Sunday, October 2, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Sunday Funday

I was up very late last night playing rock music. I went to sleep at a ridiculous hour and then was awoken at an even more ridiculous hour by a basset hound that was very insistent that I enjoy this morning with her. I now have a game plan of mowing the back grass and then being absorbed by the couch and letting a full day of NFL Football wash over me in a tidal wave of razor, beer, and erectile dysfunction ads. I may only move only once, and that is if I have to produce solid waste. If not, I may just urinate into any spare drinking glasses nearby and watch my surefire locks roll in, making me tens of dollars. It is a glamorous life being in a indie cowboy punk band my friends.

I like Pittsburgh today +3.5 over Houston. Yes, the Texans look like they may finally fulfill the annual speculation that after having 10 consecutive years of Top 6 draft picks, they have assembled some talent. Yes, Pittsburgh has looked terrible getting blown out by the Ravens and slipping by a Colt team that is a step above Rutgers. However, the Steelers are the defending AFC Champs, right? They can't be as bad as they appear, can they? I do know they have had ten turnovers vs getting one their way. That'll kill ya. Mark my words, that extra half point will be the difference. Pittsburgh +3.5.

The Buffalo Bills are on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Everyone is very excited talking about how the Bills are undefeated, and NO ONE saw this coming. You know what? The reason that no one saw this coming was because they aren't really this good. I see a letdown after they finally defeated their Goliath in the Patriots last week. The entire gambling community is on Buffalo -3. That's all I need to hear. My #1 rule is, and always will be, if the Public thinks one thing, it is ALWAYS the other. Cincinnati +3.

I think the lack of sleep and copious amounts of Avery IPA I had last night have led me to investing in San Francisco +10. I think the Eagles are all hype, and they have a ton of injuries. Their defense is a fucking mess. Meanwhile San Francisco has a really good D, and should keep this close. I say this knowing full well that the 49er offense is completely incapable of scoring from anywhere on the field. Maybe they'll block a punt or something. I dunno, but I am on SF +10.

I am concerned because money is starting to pour in on Tennessee over Cleveland today. I am even more concerned because I agree. Having lived in NE Ohio for all these years, I can smell a Browns letdown, and this has all the earmarks. The Titans can't run the ball, and it is gusty as hell outside, making the passing game an adventure. I feel like this is going to be one of those "Browns can't do anything on offense, what happened to the rushing defense?" days at Browns Stadium. Let me use technical terms. The Browns kind of suck. After a last second win over a sketchy Dolphins team, they will probably lose in similar heartbreaking fashion today. It's the way it goes when you "kinda suck". Tennessee -1.

I am taking the Raiders +6.5 because of perceptions. If I am not mistaken, people think the script today will be this; "Patriots Right Ship After Tough Loss, Raiders Exposed As Losers, Al Davis Looks More Like Cryptkeeper". That is why Vegas builds giant hotels that look like pyramids and losers like that guy near you at work go home with stolen hotel slippers. I am going against the script and taking Oakland +6.5. I think they have too much defense, and their running game should keep Brady off the field. I may even take a flier on the money line if I can stay awake until 4.

I am having a hard time thinking why I shouldn't take the Brewers or the Phillies today. Greinke has been awesome for Milwaukee since August, and the Brewers don't lose at home. Sure I hate the Brewers marketing department, and I have yet to receive my Rickie Weeks bobblehead that I purchased in a moment of weakness, but that doesn't mean I won't bet on them. I would have bet on Germany over Poland in 1939 if I could have gotten a line on it. Sorry, I digress. I'm on Milwaukee. Cliff Lee is money, and he'll pound the strike zone today. Why the Cards feel the need to pitch Carpenter on short rest is beyond me. Maybe we'll get a chance to see "genius" manager Tony LaRussa manage the Cards right out of the game with a double switch in the third inning that somehow leaves Jake Westbrook batting after Pujols, and Skip Schumaker in long relief. Give me Philadelphia all day.


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