Saturday, September 21, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL Week 3

It’s hard to believe that it is still officially Summer and the Browns season is for all intents and purposes over.  It’s amazing to me that the residents of NE Ohio have not gathered into a torch waving mob and burned down the Browns Berea complex to the ground.  How many times will the people here permit themselves to be lied to?  Is there any other business that could continue to operate despite doing everything possible to drive away its customers?  All Spring/Summer long the rhetoric coming out of Berea was how improved the team was going to be this season, and then they waited a mere nine days to pull the chord on even attempting to win?  That shows amazing brass balls.  It's almost worthy of admiration.  I’m a huge fan of how Browns President Joe Banner carries a smug attitude of indifference to the fans in his press conferences.  I wish he would take it the extra step though.  “Look, I don’t have to explain anything to you assholes.  We know what we are doing here.  What makes you think you deserve an explanation?  Fuck off.  No matter what bullshit we run out on that field, you’re all coming back for more anyway.  Now go to your shitty low paying jobs and make some money to buy the overpriced jersey of our next bungled draft pick.  We’ve got a season to tank.  Get out of our way.”  (He should then shove a six year old boy in a Browns jersey to the ground and flick a cigarette at a fat guy in a rubber dog mask.)

Who cares?  None of it matters anyway.  The people of NE Ohio need to think of the Browns like a really badly run pizza joint.  They make bad food and treat you like shit.  Just stop ordering pizza from there.  There's lots of other places to get pizza.  People here have been losing their minds.  They need to pull it together and remember what pro football's purpose is...  It is only a diversion from things that really matter like Johnny Cash records, walking the hounds, a great bottle of Bordeaux, a good book, warm clear ocean water, traveling with a pretty lady and finding a good restaurant that serves a perfect meatball.  That’s the stuff.  Well, that and finding a few winners on Sunday.  Here’s the way I see it this Sunday…

God help me but I am taking the St Louis Rams again +4 over Dallas.  I watched some of that St Louis game last week, and they really suck.  Well, they really sucked in the first half anyway.  They almost came back for the cover vs Atlanta, and it appears the Falcons are a hell of a lot better than Dallas.  There is a stat floating around out there that says Dallas does not cover 72% of the time when they are more than a three point favorite.  I don't know if that statistic is accurate, but even the idea of it is good enough for me.  St Louis +4.

I am taking Green Bay -2.5 over Cincinnati.  It's true that Green Bay is always overvalued as they are on national  TV every single week with broadcast teams fighting over themselves to fellate Aaron Rogers.  America loves the idea of Green Bay and the charming Midwestern town.  If most viewers ever went there they would discover that most of Wisconsin is made up of annoying Rubes, but that's not the point.  It's fun to pretend that Aaron Rogers grew up as a farm kid in Wisconsin and is part of the community.  It's like Field of Dreams but where someone gets their spine shattered in slow motion every 20 minutes or so.  The main reason I am on Green Bay though is that Cincinnati is 3-14 ATS after the Pittsburgh game.  Pittsburgh is Cincinnati's Darth Vadar, and they kill themselves to win that game.  It’s normal to have a let down afterward, and I see one here.  Green Bay -2.5  

I can’t remember the last time I saw a pro football game with a 20 point line, but that’s what we’re looking at this week with Jacksonville traveling to Seattle.  Let’s get this out there.  The Jacksonville Jaguars are the worst team since the Browns with Doug Pederson at the helm.  It’s barely pro football.  I saw some of the game last week against the Raiders and I had to turn away lest I turn to stone.  A Jaguars game is an abomination against Almighty God.  Still, I’m taking them +20 over Seattle.  The last 26 times an NFL team has been given 17 or more points that team has covered 20 of 26.  No matter how horrific any NFL team is, the savvy gambler remembers that the league is built on parity.  The Jags will be soundly outplayed in all phases of the game, but when the dust clears they will somehow have lost by less than three touchdowns.  Buckle up.  Jacksonville +20.

Season record:  3-2


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