Sunday, October 6, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL Week 5




I spent last Sunday afternoon watching the NFL Red Zone crunched into a coach seat in the back of a United Airlines plane.  There was no volume on seat 35c which was a real shame as seated behind me was a 107 year old woman that was very concerned about being served a hamburger.  Despite being told various times by the extremely effeminate flight attendant that the flight did not serve hamburgers, she continued to ask about the status of her hamburger.  Time after time she hit the flight attendant button to question the status of the mythical hamburger.  Time after time, with growing agitation, she was told that there were no hamburgers.  Although she may have once been on a flight in which they ran of of hamburgers, that had no relevance to her current situation on United Flight 1601.  She just wasn't going to accept it.  There will no no hamburger ma'am.  It's amazing to imagine that somewhere in Shit Hoof, Nebraska as some young man that looks like a hammerhead shark with a neck tattoo considers what horrific Burger King Whopper option he will order at the drive through that at exactly the same moment 35,000 feet directly overhead a woman born in 1915 is being told for the seventh time that she will not be having a hamburger.  The wonders of the modern age indeed!

Despite the theater of distraction going on behind me, I was able to watch almost all of the NFL games.  Yes, there was no sound and I had to invent my own hyperbole, but I watched a shitload of NFL.  This has led me to some dangerous conclusions about some of these professional football organizations that I will now try to take advantage of in my ever foolhardy quest to make money off of the NFL.  I am now more convinced than ever I will never turn a sizable profit on the NFL.  Why I continue to attempt to do so is really a testament to my own stupidity more than an indication of any ambition or determination on my part to "beat the system".  Yet, here we are once again.  Let's take another shot and see what happens.

On the surface it seems like the New England Patriots +1 is a gimme.  The Patriots have won something like 534 straight when they are a road dog during the era of Bill Belichick.  The Bengals are at home, a place where they routinely let their fans down in soul crushing fashion.  As I have noted previously, the Bengals have the raw talent of a 12-4 team which Marvin Lewis (a.k.a. "the worst professional coach ever") will turn into a solid 9-7 Wild Card team.  Their offense is designed to throw the ball downfield to any of their fleet footed receivers yet they appear to have a complete inability to actually throw the ball downfield.  So why am I taking Cincinnati?  My understanding is that 80% of the Public is on New England.  The Public is always wrong.  Always.  While it may seem counter intuitive to take a kinda shitty red headed QB and Marvin Lewis over a Hall of Fame QB and a Hall of Fame coach, that's what I'm doing just because it's the opposite of what everyone else thinks.
Cincinnati +1.

I have seen the promos all week...  When the Eagles take on the Giants the records go out the window! Stand back and watch this colossal grudge match unfold!  Titans of the gridiron go nose to nose in a battle of unbridled adrenalin!  With the right music bed, it almost sounds believable until you notice that these two teams really blow and are both out of playoff contention before the leaves have fallen off the trees.  This game really requires you to figure out which team sucks slightly less than the other one.  Philadelphia has lost to teams that are 10-2.  I think the Giants lost to Temple by 13.  The underdog in this series has covered 13 of 16 times.  Hey, that's good enough for me.  I'm taking Philadelphia +2.5 and have no plans of watching even a second of this game.

In August I remember seeing Ron Jaworski say that Colin Kapernick might be "the best NFL QB evcr".  This seemed a bit presumptive after 10 games to move young Colin past Johnny Unitas, Bart Starr, Dan Marino, and Joe Montana.  After four games it seems like he might be more comparable to Cam Newton and Brian Hoyer, but you have to love "Jaws" enthusiasm.  Today the Houston Texans are getting 6.5 in San Francisco.  The 49ers have looked really ordinary since their defensive injuries.  The Texans are legit.  Hell, they beat Seattle last week until they gave it away at the end.  Will they do that again this week?  Sure, Matt Schaub is going to have a back breaking turnover late in the game.  They just won't lose by more than six.  Houston +6.5

Current Record:  3-5 

2 Comments:

At October 6, 2013 at 4:01:00 PM EDT , Blogger vfh159 said...

We are reading this just as the 13-6 Cincinnati score is being flashed. Impressive. Now I'll go finish.

 
At October 6, 2013 at 7:00:00 PM EDT , Blogger Greg Miller said...

It's like I can see into the future...

 

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