Nurse the Hate: Retirement Projects

When most people hit retirement age, they often decide to pursue long held ambitions that they just couldn’t do before because of time or circumstance.  For example, my father started to get more involved in bicycling long distances and did a trip through Tuscany on one of those hard compact racing bike seats.  Having been though Tuscany before, I can say with great certainty that a rental car seat is much more comfortable than a bike seat when going from Florence to Siena.  The only seat that is comparable to discomfort for a long haul are the seats on Spirit Airlines, though I have heard Spirit is considering replacing those seats with Schwinn 10 Speed bike seats on poles.  Regardless of the seat, my father had some time and was finally able to pursue that goal.

I was reading an article about a man that decided to chuck some sort of middle management career in something horribly boring like insurance to open his own brewery.  I am of the opinion that all middle aged men want to open breweries or bar-b-que joints and all middle aged women want to open cupcake shops or yoga studios.  He was in his late 50s and said something like “If I don’t do it now, I never will.”.  I am glad he is following his dream, though if we all followed our dreams we would live in a world of strip plazas full of yoga studios, cupcake shops and microbreweries with somebody grilling out back. 

You got to hand it to Putin.  He’s 69 years old, and must be thinking “if I don’t start World War III now, when am I going to get the chance?’.  You know the way it is.  He’s stuck alone in the pandemic, a little tired of the rut he’s in running an authoritarian country with his various sycophants, and he has to be thinking “what’s next for Vlad?”.  Re-assembling the old USSR is his microbrewery.  Sure, you singlehandedly upset the world order and escalated tensions with almost the entire planet, but isn’t that part of the fun?

I am going to go on record as saying the 2020s have not been my favorite decade.  This is the “what now?” decade, where whatever bad thing you thought could happen gets replaced by something much worse you hadn’t even dreamt of.  If this isn’t the decade for some sort of alien invasion, I don’t know what is.  I will tell you this.  If you ever thought about opening a cupcake shop, I’d get cracking now.      

 

Nurse the Hate: Surefire Super Bowl Winners

 

One of my earliest Super Bowl memories was Super Bowl VII, that shitty game where the Redskins got their dicks kicked in by the Dolphins.  The only noteworthy play was when Garo Yepremian threw that broken play wounded duck pick six that momentarily suggested that the Redskins were back in the game.  That sequence of events provides a perfect illustration of what would happen if a normal human being was forced to play in a game with professional athletes.  Garo was a fabulous placekicker, but history will only remember him as the pencil necked pussy that couldn't throw a ball.  Life can be very cruel.

That game is memorable to me mostly because we watched it at someone else's house.  I'm assuming it was some guy that my father worked with, as I can't recall this man's name or ever seeing him again.  This was my one and only visit to that house.  It was clear that it was a guy's day out, and I was brought to the house as the host had a daughter my age.  Looking back the thought process must have been that the kids would play by themselves as the fellas knocked a few back and watched "The Big Game".

Side note.  You might not be aware of it, but the NFL drops a thousand hammers on anyone that mentions "The Super Bowl" in any advertising or commercial venture due to their trademarking the name.  They are so vindictive about it that they will send their minions out to usher great legal threats to anyone that even mentions in passing a "Super Bowl party" or "Super Bowl Sunday".  Thus, you will see a parade of ads that attempt to sidestep being dragged into court for harmlessly mentioning the obvious by saying things like "These new Kool Ranch Super Spicy Motherfucker Doritos are perfect for when you are gathering to watch...The Big Game."  My use of "The Big Game" in the previous paragraph is to insure that I am not litigated into a life of white collar slavery paying my fines to the Corporate Overlords that run the NFL.  Please sirs.  Have mercy.

So there I was ushered into a strange house to spend the afternoon with some girl my age that I had never met before.  In my neighborhood, there was only one girl close to my age, a girl named Sandy.  She was a little creep, and none of us liked her.  If I had to guess, I bet that right now she is actively protesting America's new red herring, critical race theory, at her local school board.  She is confidently driving around in a massive black SUV, convined brown people are coming to her suburb to steal her stuff, and believes climate change and the pandemic are left wing hoaxes meant to prevent her enjoyment of the life that has been rightfully provided to her thanks to her hard work in marrying her upper management corporate drone husband Jim.  Sandy was not "my kind of people".  Hence, I didn't spend a lot of time with the ladies in the early 1970s, despite my dapper Prince Valient haircut that made me look like a member of Herman's Hermits.

The way I recall it was I was given a brief introduction to this girl, and we were left to our own devices.  There was a play room that had a bunch of shit in it I could care less about.  I was pretty focused on my Evel Knevil stunt cycle and my Hot Wheels at this point and as far as I was concerned, her toys were a bunch of crap. This was when she suggested we go to their top floor to "the gym".  

To those of you that weren't around in the early 1970s, people didn't have "gyms".  There was usually one kid who had a much older lunkhead brother that might have "a weight set".  These were always the same.  They were flimsy straight bars that allowed you to put on plastic covered weights that were held onto the bar with unreliable clamps.  It was exceedingly rare to see one of these weights sets in use, and typically it gathered dust in people's moldy basements.  Occasionally the one lunkhead brother in the neighborhood, the one that smoked cigarettes and had a Plymouth Duster, would put on a show in his garage by bench pressing while wearing a cutoff t-shirt while listening to Deep Purple.  That's what home gyms were in the 1970s.

This gym seemed legit.  It was a room in their attic that had a padded floor, medicine balls like in the 1920s, and some small dumb bells.  As I didn't know what to do with a medicine ball or how or why to lift weights, this wasn't exactly a vortex of fun.  This was when the girl recommended we put on some boxing gloves and spar.  There were only two gloves so she recommended I get the left and she get the right.  In retrospect, I wish I knew about the concept of "dominant hands".  

I think I told this story before on this blog, but what happened was she said "OK, let's spar".  I had never boxed before.  She must have been one of those daughters that had a father that wished he had a son, because she came in like a well-trained Tommy "Hit Man" Hearns and connected with a jab to my nose within two seconds.  It was like, "Let's go!" and "BAM!" that quick.  I had a flash of white, my eyes reflexively teared, and my nose started to bleed.  I then had to endure the shame of going downstairs to have my bleeding nose tended to while wiping away tears as the father razzed my Dad because his beaming daughter had kicked my ass.  This was not an ideal way to enjoy "The Big Game".

I have since eased back on my Super Bowl Sunday activities, and now turn it into an orgy of gambling and decadence.  Generally, I have a firm opinion on the outcome by the time the game rolls around after sticking to my mandate of avoiding all sports pages and ESPN for the two weeks leading up to kickoff.  With nothing to talk about for two weeks, the 24 hour Sports Networks need something to fill that time, so they will be tirelessly constructing narratives.  These are usually siren songs that will leave you dashed on the rocks.  Beware sailors.

The game this year is a wilderness of mirrors.  The Bengals have been outplayed statistically in all three of their playoff games, and even the eye test suggest they are lucky as shit to be in this game.  Yet, they are on one of those Eli Manning NY Giants runs that make them feel like a team that can't lose right now.  Still, it's tough to get outplayed and go 4-0 against four quality opponents.  They seem hopelessly outmatched on the offensive line on both sides, and this usually determines outcomes.  The Rams seem like an obvious pick.

Yet, let's take a look at the Rams.  They lost a must win game vs San Francisco to close the season, pasted an out-of-gas Cardinal team, and then tried to give away both of their successive games to Tampa and SF.  People talk about this team like they are a juggernaut, but they are the fourth seed for fuck's sake.  If this team is such a monster, why did they fall to the #4 seed?  They are missing Robert Woods, their tight end is broken, their starting RB is on a flimsy achilles, and Matt Stafford has NEVER won a big game.   

It feels like to me that Stafford is just looking for a way to lose.  That gift interception that the SF defensive back incredibly dropped in the NFC Title game should have done it.  Compare the situation both QBs in this game are in.  Stafford is in the biggest game of his life.  If he wins, he probably goes to the Hall of Fame, the Super Bowl crown combined with his pass happy era stats create a narrative of "He was great but on the Lions.  Once he got to a real franchise he took them right to the Championship.".  If he loses, he has lost yet another Playoff game, and the narrative becomes "Yeah Stafford put up good stats, but he's just a different version of Kirk Cousins.  He can't win the big one.  He's no Hall of Famer."  The Rams are built to win right fucking now.  They are the 1997 Florida Marlins.  If the Rams lose, Stafford's the one they'll blame.  No pressure Matt.  It's just your entire legacy on the line.  Just go out and have fun. 

Let's counter that with Joe Burrow.  That guy can't lose a big game.  He loves playing football and has that rarified air of a guy that will win the game no matter the situation like Joe Montana.  He's out there playing with house money.  He's not supposed to even be here.  When LSU was in the NCAA Championship he went out and destroyed.  I have no intent on betting against the final outcome of a game in which he is playing QB, no matter how dodgy his team looks.  He beat KC twice in a month this year and got sacked 117 times.  You think he's worried about the Rams?   I bet he slept like a baby last night.

That being said, I can't bet the Bengals either.  This is such a high variance game.  It could be Rams 31-13.  It could also be Bengals 24-21 OT.  The Rams have advantages all over the place.  That's why I am going to bet a bunch of non-correlated bets to limit my exposure on an unmitigated disaster.  It feels to me that the Rams will win first downs as that is a stat they won all playoffs and most season long.  Rams more first down than Bengals -140.  Boy genius Sean McVeigh went out of his way to say he was running a three back committee.  If you can't believe a head coach during Super Bowl press week, who can you trust?  That to me says Cam Akers is getting a ton of carries.  The Bengals rushing defense stinks.  Cam Akers over 63 yards.  Cam Akers over 13 yards longest carry.  Joe Burrow doesn't run the ball very often.  However, this is a game for all the marbles.  He doesn't seem to mind being hit, which seems like something somebody should check on him, but I think he will take off if he sees a chance at a key first down.  You remember that scramble he made late in the game versus Kansas City?  Joe Burrow longest run over 8 yards.  The Bengals used their kicker three times more often in the back half of the season than the first.  This is a game on the biggest stage.  That dope Bengal coach Taylor will be tight.  I bet he takes points when he can get them, and isn't worried about running his red hot kicker out there for a long field goal.  Longest field goal OVER 47 yards.  I liked an MVP bet on Aaron Donald at 16-1, but that dropped way down to 12-1.  Think of the game narrative.  Stafford plays tight and throws a couple INTs.  Bengals hang tough but come up short.  Burrow, as he has all season, takes a bunch of sacks.  If Aaron Donald, the #1 defensive lineman for winning his matchups, gets a strip sack or forces a fumble, he will be the guy by default.  A running back hasn't won MVP since Terrell Davis.  If you like the Rams to win a low scoring game, Aaron Donald could get MVP as long as Cooper Kupp doesn't score two TDs.  They would give it to Kupp then as a season achievement award more than anything.  A Kupp/Donald MVP combo is a good longshot hedge if you like the Rams but not Stafford.  Just to diversify, how about Bengals on the money line. 

This season has been crazy.  I don't know how the game will turn out, but I know one thing for sure.  A little girl isn't going to punch me in the nose.

Nurse the Hate: Arguing with Podcasts

 On Sunday morning I give the bassets a longer walk than normal.  They are old and creaky now, so the walk isn’t focused on destination or distance like in the past.  Whereas most people walk their dogs “around the pond” or on “the big loop around the neighborhood”, my walk is now strictly for time.  On Sunday, especially if the weather is good, I will go for 45 minutes to an hour.  We go as far or as short a distance as they want.  They just sort of sniff around.  Meanwhile I try to maximize the time as much as possible and listen to wine podcasts to attempt to cram more information into my skull.  Krusty told me about when he was in grad school that a joke amongst students was “unless you are reading in the shower, you are falling behind”.  I totally identify.

 

I listened to a SommTV podcast this morning that rotated into my playlist after the one with the UK husband/wife MW team that gets a bit too Pure English for me despite my spending almost every waking moment with an English woman who spends her time telling me to “get my jumper” or to put something “in the boot”.  I think it’s their regular use of the phrase “isn’t it?” that wears on me.  That’s this English move where they say something that could theoretically be up for debate but gets presented as certainty.  Example:  “There’s nothing like going out to the bar with your mates and having a Stroh’s.  Stroh’s is the best beer, isn’t it?”.  No sir, it is not.  In fact, I have an episode that immediately pops into my head where I had to shit by a pine tree like a filthy animal because Stroh’s unexpectedly went through me like a freight train.  Yet, the power of that “isn’t it?” suggests that even though you have a different opinion than what the speaker just offered, it is implied that WE ALL FEEL THIS WAY, so it requires great confidence to even question whatever assertion was just made.  Do you want to argue with this English MW bloke that seems dead certain on the collective’s attitude about Stroh’s?  You’d better run a quick cost/benefit analysis before you hop into that fray.  That whole goddamn island pulls this stunt.  You can see the kind of thoughts I wrestle with walking these dogs.   

 

Anyway, I start listening to this Somm TV podcast about what the hosts like/don’t like about wine in 2022.  The items were divided into two columns.  Things they want to go away was one, and things they want to continue was the other.  After feeling pointlessly argumentative after listening to the first podcast, this immediately made me want to offer up differing opinions on the points the hosts casually tossed out.  Since the bassets didn’t care one way or the other, I decided to write it out here.

 

Beaujolais Nouveau should go away.  This is a consistent wine hipster pet peeve.  In the 1960s the Beaujolais region came up with an idea to sell their light frothy new wines by creating “Beaujolais Nouveau Day” on a designated date in November.  It is the “first wine of the vintage” as the use of carbonic maceration on the fruit forward/low tannin gamay grapes makes for a pleasant, easy drinking wine.  Essentially, they pick the grapes, ferment it, let it settle and bottle it in 2-3 months in an incredibly quick turnaround.  The producer Georges DeBeouf sold almost 1.2 million cases of this wine in the United States per year during the high water mark for the product in the 1980s.  That’s a lot of wine.

 

The hosts took a position that it was a shame that these wonderful gamay grapes were being used for this frivolous wine when it could be used for more noble and “serious” bottles like Grand Cru or even Village level bottlings.  Their point was that the Nouveau style was not worthy of the grape, as if grapes had feelings or ambitions.  This is essentially arguing that tomatoes shouldn’t be used for ketchup when they would be better used as part of a magnificent caprese salad in an upscale Italian restaurant.

 

I would counter their argument by saying that Beaujolais Nouveau accounts for 30% of the region’s total sales and to have that “go away” would be a death blow to the economy of Beaujolais.  This wine is an incredible product for the growers.  Think about a producer of grower champagne that harvests, makes a base wine, lets it age for three years, gets rid of the lees, pops in a dosage for a second fermentation, and then has to let the bottle age.  It takes at least four years to get paid on the grapes you brought in.  Meanwhile the Beaujolais producer has cash in hand 3 months after picking their fruit, and has no continuous storage costs month after month, year after year. 

 

Assuming that the hosts could successfully make Nouveau “go away”, how are producers going to make up a third of their business?  The marketing event of Beaujolais Nouveau is a double edged sword of bringing attention to the region but does focus on their lowest end product, therefore fixing in many consumer’s minds that the entire range of products are simple fruity wines as opposed to the complex and often quite serious Cru level of wines.  However, it’s not as if the grapes used for the Nouveau bottlings are being wasted on these less complex “new” wines.  Most of these grapes would likely be then destined for “Beaujolais” designated bottlings with some of the better ones maybe in “Beaujolais Villages”.  With 65% of the total Beaujolais production already being sold in France via well entrenched channels, the Beaujolais wine trade would have to figure out how to sell a third of their lowest designated wines via export without their signature marketing event.  Hmm.  Maybe it’s not a good idea to make Nouveau “go away”.  Disagree.

 

The wine trade should have greater emphasis on “sustainability”.  There are all sorts of conversations being held about sustainability in the wine trade.  I have a cynical view in that the American wine trade attracts a very lefty slanted group of people and that a good way to become a pariah in the California Wine Trade would be to show up at an industry event in a MAGA hat talking about how you are sick of talking about “this inclusiveness bullshit”.  They’d nail you up to a cross made of old wine barrels.  Yes, almost everyone in the wine trade in the Napa Valley drives an enormous SUV seventy miles a day commuting back and forth to work from their air conditioned house where they pick up their seven separate boxes of Amazon shit that got delivered that day, but for the love of God, make sure and mention sustainability as often as possible in all public relations events.  I can’t tell you how many invites I get to “sustainability webinars” from people that all agree with each other.  “Tom, I just want to say I agree with you when you agreed with Barbara, but I think we could do even more to address sustainability, don’t you agree?”  I guess it’s nice to get online to enthusiastically agree with each other and presumably pat yourselves on the back about it later on Instagram.  I prefer that “humble brag” technique where people pose something minor to focus on what they really want you to see.  Example:  Photo of butterfly.  “Look at this gorgeous monarch butterfly that unexpectedly attended the 2^nd Annual Sonoma Organic Sustainability Online Summit”.     

 

The same people that regale visitors to their tasting room about “lessening their carbon footprint” are also shipping $150 cabernets bottled in 17 pound thick glass bottles to impart the vibe that these are “serious” wines well worth three figures.  The winery owner that put in a windmill to lessen his reliance on fossil fuels then climbs into his private jet to fly to Cabo.  This is called a “zero sum gain”.  Ultimately, all this sustainability talk tends towards theater.  75% of all greenhouse gas on the planet comes from energy usage in industry, buildings, and transportation.  Until we as a planet quit burning fossil fuels, worrying about switching to a recycled cork closure might not be the one missing piece of the puzzle to planetary salvation.        

 

The podcast hosts talked about how growers shouldn’t be using pesticides and herbicides as it isn’t sustainable.  I think we are all on board with this conceptually.  The one thing I know from talking to viticulturists is that they want to use as little sprays and treatments as possible, but this is a business.  “Hey Bob, you know how you were expecting ten tons of cabernet grapes from me this Fall so you could hit your sales projections?  Well, I can only give you about four tons because we had this gray moth infestation and I didn’t want to impact the long term health of the vineyard by spraying shit on them to stop ‘em from eating the crop.  I’m going to need you to pay me like I gave you ten tons though.  Thanks man.”

 

Sustainability is like being pro-education.  Everyone is for it conceptually, but then when the vote comes up to increase everyone’s taxes two bucks a month for the overall societal benefit of a new school library, it’s a white knuckle result.  I agree with the hosts that being aware of and striving for sustainability makes sense, and I’m for it.  I also don’t have any skin in the game.  I think a 3000 case winery can try to lead by example, but I don’t think the concrete factory or BP are impressed.  Overall though, I agree.                     

      

It was at this point a guy with three dogs walked towards me.  They were all some kind of hunting dog, those working dogs I can never completely identify with names like “Springland Water Spaniel”.  The one dog was very excited and would bark every 20 seconds which made the man say “shuutup!”.  This cycle repeated four times as he approached me.  The bassets stared intently at the approaching dogs.  I asked, “Your dogs friendly?”  “No.” he responded with a scowl.  “Super.”  I latched up the bassets who stared at the dogs as they went past without moving an inch.  He grunted disdainfully at me as he passed.  The one dog barked.  “shuttup!”  The dogs pulled at their leashes.  Bark.  “shuttup!”. 

 

I turned the podcast off.  I had enough pointless arguing for the morning.  I had to get a bottle of Nouveau and get more sustainable.