Nurse the Hate: The Bomb Cyclone, Radio and NFL Week 15

 

I was at a chain drug store looking for sun block, the way one does in Ohio in December.  Most people were busy hoarding bread and milk in a frenzied manner, preparing for the oncoming "Bomb Cyclone".  I really enjoy the new weather terms.  It's like a Hollywood popcorn movie executive became in charge of the National Weather Service.  A "winter storm" isn't that big of a deal.  A "Bomb Cyclone" is something where you emerge blinking from the ruins of your home in shock as your belongings swirl around you ripped beyond recognition.  The problem is this is "Bomb Cyclone III", and neither of the previous Bomb Cyclones were that memorable, so I think the National Weather Service needs to drop the Bomb Cyclone franchise and get into something new.  It's like when they started doing Marvel films of all the D list comic book characters.  I suggest we move into "Nuclear Winter Skeleton Death Storm", or some other random collection of foreboding nouns.  "Acid Flame Ice Apocalypse" or "Certain Annihilation Snow Event".  They need something that will recapture people's attention.  The Boy has cried "wolf" too often.

The store had a local radio station on their sound system.  Some warhorse of a song was playing.  I think it was "Life Is A Highway".  Then when the song ended, a promo played.  "106.5 The Lake!  We'll Play Anything!".  Then Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen" came on.  If that isn't living life on the razor's edge, I don't know what is.  Those motherfuckers at 106.5 The Lake are so insane, that at any given moment they might drop Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" on you.  They are like those guys from Jackass, able to pull any incredible stunt whenever you least expect it.  I think we can all agree, going from an early 1990s Counting Crows hit right into A-ha is the type of risk taking behavior we all wish we had the pure guts to pull off.  And the thing is, they just openly brag about it.  We. Will. Play. ANYTHING.  The pure bravado is breathtaking.  When someone responsible for that playlist walks into the room there must be a combination of hushed silence and nervous energy.  "Hey... You see that guy over there?  He's from The Lake.  He will play ANYTHING.".  No way that guy pays for a drink anywhere in the surrounding area codes, just as a sign of pure respect.

Now if I think about a radio station that will play ANYTHING, I'm thinking about a playlist that goes from a deep cut on Tom Waits "Real Gone" LP into a Scott Joplin rag straight into Funkadelic "Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow" followed by a couple movements of Mahler smack into something off Pink Floyd's "Atom Heart Mother" record like "Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast" into something from Zeke's "Dirty Sanchez" record with a twin play of Johnny Cash Sun Records sides.  I mean, if you're going to swagger around bragging about your recklessly open playlist, at least try to deliver on that empty promise.  That's the thing about radio.  The Corporate Gods that own it are completely unaware of its power. In their fear of risk, they are stubbornly clinging to the idea that the media climate is the same as it was in 1990 and people don't have a million choices on the device they pay to carry around with them.  As difficult as it is to believe, there is a business that is broadcasting the same song loop of 300 or so songs cut up with 12 minutes of commercials per hour that thinks it can offer the same old shit like nothing has changed in the last two decades.  

The radio business was built on syphoning off as much profit as humanly possible by cutting expenses.  What a run the industry had.  Captive listeners in cars in the 1990s could choose from 8-12 somewhat crappy options, and three companies controlled all of it in each city.  Where else could all those ears go?  When mobile technology crept in, radio could have doubled down and made great content, but instead they chose to cut expenses and staff.  DJs voice track multiple markets, meaning they record all the breaks in advance, making sure to avoid any mentions of locality like "Great day to be at the beach today" as an unexpected thunderstorm pelts the city.   Group think song testing makes sure that the lowest risk songs get played over and over and over.  These companies have created their own bland coffins yet appear to think that if they continually suggest "they'll play ANYTHING!" no one will notice how dull the station is to anyone with a pulse.  

It's the continued slog of futility that gets me.  These radio stations do the same thing over and over as if the risk of changing the way they do business is more questionable than continuing the certainty of their current actions.  It reminds me of the Cleveland Browns.  The Browns do what they do over and over, yet each season are sure they've cracked the nut this time.  In what is truly a gift to no one, the Browns will play the Saints Xmas Eve in polar temperature with gale force winds.  This will be an ugly game where points will be difficult to come by.  The Browns clearly have the better running game, and just activated their starting center from the IR.  The Saints, a dome team, come in from the South to play in this frigid hellhole.  It all looks good for the Browns to ground out a win.  However, I'm betting the Saints.  This isn't so much a bet ON the Saints as it is a bet AGAINST Wonder Kicker.  The Browns kicker, drafted in the fourth round, has been, shall we say, underwhelming.  His confidence might not be shot, but it's severely dented.  One of the teams on Saturday will need to execute a big kick.  It ain't going to be Wonder Kicker.  The Browns are only capable of giving their fans disappointment for Christmas.  Saints +3.  

When I was a kid, my family had Buffalo Bills season tickets.  The Millers have always been cursed to follow terrible football teams.  My time as a Bills ticket holder managed to thread the needle between the OJ Simpson era and the Jim Kelly led AFC dominant teams.  I went to the Joe Ferguson Bills, teams that struggled to be relevant.  Each season the Miami Dolphins would pummel the Bills.  Home or away, it didn't matter.  The Dolphins beat the Bills twenty (20) times in a row across the entire 1970s.  I was at the game when the Bills finally beat them in 1980.  The crowd rushed the field and tore down the goal posts.  One of the guys that sat next to us, a steelworker, cried openly.  The people of Buffalo hate Miami to this day, for obvious reasons.  They have better weather, better teams, and are home to beautiful people.  Buffalo is home to people that drink and smoke and eat wings and die for their football team.  It's a huge game to this day when Miami comes to town.  You know what happens the week after the Bills v Miami game?  The Bills have a let down.  4-27 ATS the week after playing Miami.  Chicago +8.5

The Raiders, a team that has pretty consistently shoved it up my ass this season, got that miracle last second win last week vs the Patriots.  If they don't get that late TD call and the miracle turnover, this would be a very different vibe in Vegas.  The Raiders win paints over their last minute collapse versus Baker Mayfield and the Rams (who couldn't get a TD vs the Packers last week as opposed to the two the Raiders gave up in five minutes), and their overall disappointing season.  The Raiders roll into Pittsburgh this week, and the awful BOMB CYCLONE.  Pittsburgh is celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Immaculate Reception and just days before, Franco Harris dies.  In a freezing cold game where passing is going to be limited, who is going to be the tougher team?  Tomlin leading the Steelers after the wake for Franco Harris while playing on the North Pole OR the Raiders flying in from Vegas a couple days early?  We are all thinking it.  The Raiders are soft.  Pittsburgh -2.5

Season Record:  24-18-1