Sunday, May 31, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Hate the Inevitable

There are three things that are inevitable...Death, taxes, and Cleveland sports teams flaming out after raising the hopes of the community. I was so confident that the Cavs would lose that game yesterday I put an ungodly amount of money on Orlando (in fact, the third largest wager I have ever made in my life). I was so confident the Cavs would lose, I didn't even watch the game. I was so confident I didn't even check the score after halftime. In fact, I went to sleep without even checking the score, and slept deeply with pleasant dreams. Hell, I went to the Indians game to watch them get destroyed by the Yankees instead of watching and monitoring my wager. That is how confident I was the Cleveland Cavaliers would lose that game.

Maybe the city of Cleveland was built on a cursed Indian burial ground. All I know is that things always go wrong here. Economy bad in your town? Hey, this city is built on domestic auto manufacturing. You may have missed that in the paper, but apparently that business sector isn't doing too well right now. What's it like here? Fat guys with mullets and bad mustaches drive around in dented and rusted cars. The downtown is deserted on Saturday night because all the businesses that are gone. However, plenty of shifty looking black guys sit on the sidewalks smoking cigarettes and look around out of the corners of their eyes. You can get a nice house for about $20,000 as long as your family doesn't mind sleeping in shifts with someone on sentry with a shotgun at all times. Media outlets vainly try to put a positive spin on the region with feel good articles about some lost soul that moved to the region. See! People want to be here! It's great here! (I don't ever recall seeing that sort of article in any San Francisco media for example. I think if you have to tell people it's great somewhere, it's probably not that great.)

Because of this, I think this city has a much greater passion for their sports teams than most anywhere else. You live in Miami, how concerned are you about the Marlins middle relief? In Miami it's 85 degrees and sunny. In Miami, it's "Let's go call a couple girls in bikinis and catch a tuna off my cigarette boat" everyday. Here the sports teams are pretty much all people have to get their minds off of the terrible abyss of their everyday lives. Why talk about how your job just cut your benefits when you can focus on that pass LeBron made in the 2nd Qtr? That's what makes it so much more painful when the teams tease you into thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is the year. Maybe this is the one time we can be the champs. Maybe this is the time We Win.

But no. It never is.

It's really unbelievable how Cleveland never wins. You would think one of the teams would stumble into a championship just once by accident. But, I just don't think it is part of the Grand Design. I think that this is just the way it is. You have to accept it, and learn to profit by it. Make that bet against any Cleveland team on The Big Game. You know they are not going to win. They haven't since 1964. Why will they now? While the rest of these losers mutter their "We'll get 'em next years", and I am going to count my winnings and start betting against the Browns.

Side Note: I just got back from the 16 show Euro Tour 2009 and will be posting the Tour Diary on the Whiskey Daredevils site ASAP. I will have it posted as I enter it, so it'll probably be an entry or two every few days... Love the Indians as underdogs vs the Yankees today as Pavano is pitching well... I think the Lakers beat Orlando in six. They have big men to deal with Howard, and Kobe is a nightmare for any team to defend... The new Cracker CD "In the Land of Milk and Honey" is really good. I would also recommend the new Bob Dylan, the Gourds "Hallelujah!", and the Hellacopters "Cream of the Crap Vol 1 and 2" to anyone looking for something to listen to instead of whatever crap the radio is playing right now.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Hate Swine Flu

You would think the fucking bubonic plague has set across the world in a blanket of grim death with the coverage this swine flu has received. Open up the paper and it's almost complete coverage on how you can hope to minimize your risk of immediate and certain death from the flu. I have been able to absorb such winning tips as "wash your hands" and "don't cough with your mouth open". No shit? Next thing you know I'll have to wash my hands after taking a dump.

You know how many people have died in Mexico from swine flu? 159. You know what the population of Mexico is in 2009? 109,955,000 and change. You know how many people died by murder in Mexico last year? 13,829. So, what are you more concerned about? Me? I don't want to get gunned down when I'm walking the streets of Tijuana looking for cheap prescription drugs and donkey shows. I'm going to leave my paper breathing mask at home.

Once again the media has whipped everyone into a frenzy with a scary unconfrontable adversary. Terrorism is so blase. Why be afraid of unshaven guys in turbans when you can instill fear of microbes? Here's the deal with the flu. You're either going to get sick or you're not. If you get it and you are 2 or 82, you're pretty much fucked. But even then, don't lose all hope. In Mexico you can die from a bad headache or a sprained wrist. In the USA we can keep you alive even if you lose your torso and half your skull in an accident. Granted, you won't be prom king, but you won't be dead. Mexico is a little dicey. Good people down there, but medical care is not exactly like you see on TV shows. It's more like, "Bite this stick while we chop that infected finger off."

In the last week at work I have received five (5) emails with lengthy attachments detailing the company's efforts in combating this disease. Like most companies these days, I am pleasantly surprised when we deal with such problems as making payroll. I don't feel like I need some dope at "corporate" to send me a memo to remind me not to cough into anyone's mouth. I have that covered. Also, since there is one (1) case of swine flu in Ohio from a kid that traveled to Mexico, I'm not that concerned. If they could work on the shitbags that try to mug us while we walk to our cars, that might be much more beneficial to my overall health. But, hey, it's cool as long as we make payroll. I'll keep my head on a swivel and cough into a Kleenex.

P.S. If I die from swine flu, somebody delete this entry of Nurse the Hate. This post would be embarrassing at my funeral.

Random Notes: I implore you to take the rent money and put it on Manny Pacquiao. Ricky Hatton showed in that fight with Floyd Mayweather he does not have the quickness to deal with Pac Man. Manny is bad news. He is fast, effective, and a dead on puncher. Hatton may hang in there, but look for a long beating and easy Pacquiao win. At -240, it's a terrific value. The only way he loses this fight is if he gets the swine flu...