Nurse the Hate: A Story About Bristol TN and the NFL Divisional Round

 The Whiskey Daredevils have a new record coming out in a couple of weeks.  I really miss band's releases being limited to physical forms.  I prefer the idea of being invested enough to have to go from Point A to Point B and take the product to a register.  Going through the trouble to create and record a record doesn't seem worth the trouble when the end result is hoping someone will click on your file.  "People are digging our new record.  We got lots of clicks." doesn't really resonate the same way as seeing your LP in people's record collection.  Thus, we are making vinyl and CDs.  I understand that cassettes have made a comeback, but I'll be damned if I have to spend the rest of my life figuring out where to store an unsold crate of Whiskey Daredevils cassettes.  This is not to say that I haven't made mistakes like ordering 1000 cassettes in the past.

Here's an example.  I booked a show for us one time in Bristol Tennessee.  In the late 1990s, the entire country seemed to buy into the idea that NASCAR was going to be the next major US sport.  I can't tell you how many times the Cowslingers couldn't find a hotel room in the South because some NASCAR race was going on and every room was booked in a 100 mile radius of the track.  There was a race weekend coming up in Bristol, one of the iconic tracks, and a club there had been booking bands like us.  I figured it would be a coup playing the club as a hundred thousand race fans jammed the streets of tiny Bristol looking for action the night before the race.  Even though I knew the NASCAR fans wouldn't understand for the most part what we were doing, we'd be able to convert a few of them and probably sell some records and CDs.

When we pulled into town, it was oddly quiet.  We were able to park right in front of the club which appeared to be in an ideal section of the small town.  It was probably just early.  Nothing to worry about.  We loaded in and the club had this really rotund guy with a baseball cap as the sound man.  His name was, of course, Tiny.  Tiny had that affliction that happens to someone that does sound too long, becoming completely burned out and incapable of any emotional attachment to anything.  It made no difference to Tiny if the room was packed or empty, or if he liked or hated the band.  He no longer cared about music at all.  This was just a place for him to make some money and get snacks.  When I asked him if he thought it would be a good night, he just grunted. 

It became evident as the evening crept on that the gig would be a disaster.  I remember asking the bartender about when the race fans would all descend like locusts into the nightlife of downtown Bristol.  "Oh, everyone just camps out by the track.  It'll be pretty quiet downtown.".  This was a major understatement.  Downtown looked like one of those zombie movies where everyone is gone and this ghostly quiet has settled over everything.  You could hear the traffic light go "click" when it went from red to green.  There was nothing to do but accept our fate.

I have no recollection of the set.  I do remember afterwards sitting at a table nursing a beer.  The bar was almost totally empty except for a couple stragglers and a woman that as soon as you spotted her your brain sent you an alarm of "She's crazy".  As all crazy people are attracted to Leo like a moths to a flame, she was smoking cigarettes with him and engaged in a very animated conversation that instantly filled me with suspicion of "she's off her meds".  Leo walked her over to the table where I was sitting and handed her off to me like passing a parrot from one forearm to the other.  She stared at me and told me her name and without missing a beat said, "I had an abortion today." with an odd smile. 

Now, wherever you stand on the abortion debate, I think we can all agree that this was pretty fucked up behavior.  I don't know where you go in conversation next.  The options are essentially saying "I'm sorry", inquiring about the particulars of the procedure, or making a slight grimace face and nodding your head as a suggestion of understanding with the implication of "That's tough".  That's what I went with in this case as I invented a reason to extradite myself from the situation.  I wish I had the technique I saw Sugar use on a drunken lunatic once when she said "I'm going to go stand over here now." and just walk away.

We loaded up the van as quickly as we could.  The sense of driving away from a debacle of a gig is like pulling away in a getaway car.  Something happened back there, but with each passing mile the memory becomes less personal and more conceptual.  We careened down the highway towards Atlanta, hoping to find a hotel two hours away from Bristol.  It is amazing how fast something goes from a depressing incident to something vague.  I think that's what is going on with the Bills v Bengals game this weekend.  A few weeks ago a guy almost died on the field when Buffalo and Cincinnati played.  Anyone with a microphone made sure to tell us that NOTHING is more important than that young man's well being.  A little time passes and now it's just a vague event that happened.  The Bills players will wear the number of the player that almost died.  I'm sure he will make an appearance on the field waving to the crowd.  The TV will cut to Bills fans waving signs showing support for the cause, whatever that has morphed into now.  That's the way it goes after things go bad.  You revert back to your version of an orderly existence.  We played the next show with the hope the next day would be better.  The NFL guys move onto the next game.  We all do what we do.       

So what about that Bills v Bengals game?  The Cincinnati Bengals have three offensive lineman out.  That's too much to overcome.  I love Joe Burrow, and if anyone can pull a rabbit out of a hat, it's that guy.  But to expect Burrow to dink and dunk his way past Buffalo seems like asking for too much.  (Side note... I almost said "a big ask" as somehow the phrase "ask" has crept into my work culture.  Out of nowhere, all these middle managers have been saying "My ask on this is..." which leads me to believe that this phrase has somehow been inserted into whatever nefarious webinar training retreat re-education seminars that are going on across the country.  Be on the lookout for this as if it slips into your vocabulary you will suddenly sound like a Regional Director of Functions who spends his/her weekend combing the aisles of Lowes looking for a trustworthy replacement kitchen faucet to be followed by a nice lunch of pre-made salad at Applebee's.  Well, that's my ask anyway.  Dammit.)

This reminds me of the Super Bowl where the Chiefs rolled in down three lineman and got killed by Tampa.  If this was the Bengals team of a month ago, I'm all over Cincinnati.  But this is the current Bengals team we are talking about, the ones that should have lost to the Ravens.  It feels like Buffalo wants to shoot themselves in the foot somewhere along what was their pre-ordained path to the Super Bowl, but I don't think it will be at home to a shorthanded Bengals team.  We all want that Buffalo v Kansas City rematch.  Let's hope the refs keep it fair out there, you know what I mean?  Look for plenty of Cincinnati holding calls.  Buffalo -5.5

I am getting on Kansas City.  The Chiefs have been so good for so long, they just don't inspire much excitement.  They went 14-3, yet everyone is talking about Jacksonville.  Kansas City just doesn't lose very often.  While we can all appreciate that Trevor Lawrence led that 27 point comeback, let's also remember that he also tossed four (4) interceptions in the first half.  Jacksonville is a legit team, which makes one appreciate how horrible Urban Myer was as a coach and probably as a human being for them to do this abrupt of an about face in one year.  However, a 14-3 Kansas City will get it done at home coming off a bye.  Even people that don't follow football know how good Andy Reid is off a bye week.  I don't love them to cover the spread, so I am going to tease down a couple favorites in spreads that have clearly been engineered to trick me into doing so.  I can't resist though.   

Yes, I am betting on the Eagles as well.  The Eagles and Giants feel like teams with opposite momentums that are meeting at the right time for NY and the wrong time for Philly.  The Giants are winning games with outstanding play from Daniel Jones, tough running and stingy defense.  The Giants slipped by a Minnesota team that the entire gambling community screamed about being terrible all season as they kept putting up "Ws" week after week.  The recency bias of getting excited about Daniel Jones best game of his career makes me want to forget about how Philadelphia has been the class of the NFC all season.  I am going to believe that the Eagles are able to shoot enough goo goo juice into Jalen Hurts to allow him to play close enough to his level all season.  The game is in Prime, which means the Philly fans will have been drinking for 16 hours by the time the ball is kicked off.  I think Philadelphia wins and 117 people in the stands get arrested.  This is the other leg of my Doomed Teaser.  Kansas City -2.5/Philadelphia -1.5  

Season Record:  39-19-1