Kafka Visits Zuckerberg and NFL Week 16

 

I had all my Meta accounts suspended because the Meta bots decided a joke I made about having to pay for Marvin's two stomach surgeries by becoming a narcotics dealer was me using the platform to sell drugs.  Facebook, which at this point serves almost exclusively as a platform for misinformation, scams, and identity theft, had decided that my attempt at sarcasm was the real problem.  Now, they may or may not be right about that.  However, what I would like to focus on is the hopeless task that awaits any normal person that gets their account disabled.

First, Meta has constructed a perfect loop of "customer service".  When you find out your account has been disabled they give you an opportunity to appeal the decision.  You aren't given a reason for the account being disabled in the first place, so this makes the appeal process VERY difficult.  It's a digital Kafka role playing game where you have to defend yourself for a crime that has not been identified.  When you send the appeal in, you get a screen which says "We'll let you know".  There is no back and forth or any email given.  They will get back to you... or not.

So after a few weeks I had not heard anything.  It wouldn't have mattered to me at all but the band's database is that Facebook page.  It became swiftly evident that it would be hard to let anyone know about our gigs, LPs being released, etc.  This was my motivation to solve the problem.  I will now save you or anyone you know a great deal of time by telling you how to get this done.  First, you have to be persistent.  The only way I could figure out how to interact with the company in a meaningful way was to get my Instagram account verified which would then access a "customer support" feature.  This cost me $15 but I figured it would be worth it.  As far as I can see, this is the one and only way to contact Meta.  They don't even have a phone number.  It's all a bunch of Indian dudes sitting at card tables responding to chat texts.

What I didn't count on was how infuriating the customer support chat is to use.  You first have to get past the bot chat feature.  If you manage to get past that (I did by opening three different reasons for needing to talk to someone), you will be asked through amazingly stupid questions that don't help anything.  Example:  What can I help you with today?  "I can't log in". OK, let's have you log in to see what the problem is.  "I can't log in."  You are not able to log in?  "No". Have you tried logging in with another device?  "yes".  Were you able to log in there?  "No.  I can't log in anywhere."  What is your url?  "I don't know.  I can't log in."  Can you log in to tell me your url?

It goes on like that for about 25 minutes for the first part of the chat regardless of how well you explain the problem in the initial contact.  Then if you have the right guy (it's always an Indian man that seems to be about 26 years old) he will maybe figure out what you are trying to accomplish and the hurdle you face in trying to do so.  It's important to note, many of these guys don't seem to have the ability to put 2+2 together.  It really seems like they're fucking with you.

On one of the chats I had a guy call to tell me to forget about trying to get my account back.  The account was gone.  When I asked to speak to his supervisor, he said he didn't have one.  "You don't have a boss?"  Yes, but I don't know who that is.  "So who instructs you on what to do?"  No one,  We get emails.  "From who?"  I don't know.  "So if I was General Motors and couldn't get into our account to buy a bunch of ads, who would I talk to?  "I don't know.  I'm sure there is somebody."

I finally got some action going when I started a chat saying I wanted to place a five figure advertising buy for the Whiskey Daredevils but couldn't log onto our band account.  Can someone help me log on so I can give you $10,000 in revenue?  THIS got some action.  Within a week I had a fellow who was very pleased with himself who called to tell me the account was active again and he had fixed everything.  Though it had taken 7 weeks, 9 online chats, 5 phone calls, and countless hours scouring the internet to figure out how to do it, I did it.  We now hope to be able to tell you when we are playing gigs again.  In today's world seven weeks is like a decade, so I hope you all remember who we are when that next post hits.

I wish I had spent that time on getting my account back focusing on the NFL.  I took a couple bad losses last week.  The good news is THIS WEEK is a great time to right the ship.  Why?  Because Old Reliable, aka The Cleveland Browns are doing their traditional late season move of starting a player that clearly has no business being a starting NFL player as the QB.  I guess they have this small hope that they get lucky and somehow have stumbled onto the next Tom Brady, but they always find out they have the current Cody Kessler.  I have no fucking idea why they are starting DTR this week as he has already shown that he can't start in the NFL.  Winston can get the ball downfield, beat the Steelers, and set the franchise single game passing record.  DTR sorta sucked at UCLA and gets injured as soon as he takes the field.  Cincinnati is somehow still in the playoff hunt (slimly, but still in).  They should bury the Browns.  I got on this at Cincinnati -7.

Minnesota is good.  They are better than Green Bay.  Last week Green Bay was -3 at Seattle and killed them.  In that game Geno Smith got injured and couldn't come back in the game.  His knee is, in the words of medical professionals, "sorta fucked up".  This week the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings are also -3 at Seattle.  Same spread to a better team with an injured QB?  Minnesota -3.  

Baker Mayfield has an insane record as a road favorite of 13-4 ATS.  I was as stunned as anyone to read that as my most vibrant memories of Mayfield are from when he stupidly played with one arm losing games for the Browns.  The Cowboys have had some recent success but let's be reasonable here.  They beat Carolina and the Giants.  Tampa is a legit "get in the playoffs and maybe win a game" team.  I think they take care of business here.  I'd like it better at 3, but I'll still take Tampa -4.

Current Record:  30-27

Oh Canada and NFL Week 15

 

I went up to Canada this week to pay a visit to Pillitteri Wine to talk about their ice wine and appassimento winemaking techniques, the way one does.  I hadn't been to Canada in years.  It hit me that the last time I traveled through the Buffalo crossing was when Gary was still in the band.  The one (and only) time we went to Canada with Gary was when we played a Friday night gig at the Mohawk and stayed at Marty's place afterwards.  We were going to do Erie the next day, so we had a full day of downtime.  I grew up in Erie so I can say this with a sense of experience.  When faced with a full day of free time in early December, Erie does not present a full menu of opportunities for grown men from Cleveland.  At least in Buffalo we could go take a look at Niagara Falls and maybe kill time in a casino.  

Ken was still working on his degree, so I remember he had planned to study at Marty's house while Leo, Gary and I went out for our mild adventure.  We jumped in the van and drove towards Niagara Falls.  As I'm driving up there I ask the two other guys, "Which side of the Falls should we do?  US or Canada?".  Gary had no opinion, and Leo said "Canada".  I agreed with him as going to another country at least sounded interesting.  "OK, Canada it is!".  This was so long ago you didn't need a passport to make the border cross, just your driver's license, so you could make spur of the moment decisions like that.

We drive up to the border crossing and hand the man in the booth our IDs.  The guy asks, "Have any of you ever been arrested in Canada before?".  No.  "OK, pull up over there and go inside the office."  I've done this border cross a bunch of times and never had this happen before, but whatever.  We walk inside the office and get told to sit in this waiting room area with a small group of other people.  They have our IDs so we aren't going anywhere.  About 15 minutes later a Canadian cop stands at the counter and says "Gary?  Which one of you are Gary?".  

As Gary walks up to the counter the cop immediately starts lambasting him in front of the entire room.  "Did you get arrested in Toronto a few years ago?  DID YOU?  WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "YES" WHEN THE MAN AT THE BOOTH ASKED IF ANYONE IN THE CAR HAD BEEN ARRESTED IN CANADA BEFORE?".  I mean, he REALLY laid into him.  Everyone in the waiting area was wincing and going "Ohhhhhh" as the dress down continued.  The cop did have a point though.  The even bigger point that I wanted to tell the cop was "Hey, this guy knew he was going to get flagged on this and instead of saying "Guys, we might have a hassle if we try to cross the border.  We should probably stay on the American side." he decided to see if he would skate through.  In his risk/reward analysis he decided that instead of revealing a potential issue to his bandmates, it would be better to flip a coin to see if he would get tossed in a Canadian jail.  This was one of the mounting red flags in the Gary Era of the Daredevils.

Gary gave some sort of unconvincing response to the cop like you'd see of someone that got called in front of a judge in traffic court.  It was a variation of "I thought the lawyer took care of it" and "I didn't know" that no one was buying into, but legally he wasn't on the hook for anything because we all got our licenses back.  I think we got pulled into the office just so they could yell at him in front of a bunch of people for lying at the crossing point.  By the way, we never got the story on how he got arrested and the ensuing legal drama, which would have at least been an interesting story on the drive from Buffalo to Erie.  

I remember a couple of other things from that little day trip.  We went into a casino where Leo and I decided to take our gig money from the night before and play it on red/black on a roulette wheel.  If we won, we'd eat a good seafood meal in Erie.  If we lost, we'd have to get dinner in a gas station.  Leo would choose the table and the time to put the money down, as was our custom.  Leo picked red, it came up red, and we later ate at what was then The Buoy on the Public Dock in Erie.  I ate the scallops.  They were previously frozen and rubbery.  The broccoli was overcooked.  The baked potato was on point though.  

The other thing I remember was going into the Duty Free shop so Gary could spend the last remaining $5 of Canadian currency he had on him.  I swear to Christ he spent 20-25 minutes walking back and forth deciding between a giant Toberlone and a glass maple leaf shaped bottle of syrup.  It got to the point where I was like "Hey man, we have to go.  We are running late.  Why don't you get the smaller Toberlone and the smaller maple syrup for the money so you can have both?  Or if you want something that's only Canadian get the syrup because you can buy a Toberlone anywhere.  Just make a decision...."  Gary, either oblivious or uncaring, paced back and forth between the two shelves running the options in his head making an occasional sighing noise.  In the end, after the excruciating decision making process he got the candy which he munched on contentedly as we drove to get Ken.  

And that was the last time I had been in Canada.

I was able to listen to a bunch of NFL podcasts on the drive back.  That Lake Effect snowstorm hit the Buffalo area, so I drove all the way around Lake Erie to get back via Detroit.  That's a lot of podcast time.  The one thing I kept hearing was how the Saints had not ruled out Derek Carr this week.  This seems at odds with reality as the Carr injury to his wrist was so odd it was being referred to as "career threatening", so I can't imagine why Carr would trot out there to play a pointless game for the 5-8 Saints.  True, it would give them a chance to win if he was healthy.  They were 3-2 after he returned from his previous injury, but let's be reasonable.  He's not playing.  That means that Jake Haener is starting, and the Saints morph back into being one of the worst teams in the NFL.  I'm going to move the line back to under a touchdown and take Washington -6.

As soon as the Browns got dismantled by the Steelers, I knew I wanted to bet Cleveland with the points over Kansas City.  The Chiefs keep winning with flukes, crazy luck, and overall good fortune.  How many teams go 8-1 while somehow being 0-9 ATS?  Kansas City's offense is below average.  They just don't score a lot of points.  When you are betting the Browns, you are strapping in for Mr. High Variance himself, Jameis Winston.  He sorta sucked last week, so I'm hoping the pendulum swings back this week.  I took Cleveland +6.5 and I wouldn't be stunned if they won the game outright.  It's also important to note I could also see them losing 31-10.  That's why this is gambling.

I listened to a NY area podcast where I heard two angry guys yelling about the Jets and Giants for about 45 minutes.  Here's a fun fact.  The Giants practiced outside this week, I suppose to prepare for sorta crappy weather expected in New York this weekend.  Tommy Cutlets is starting for the Giants with Drew Lock now out with whatever is wrong with him.  In practice they did a Red Zone drill where it was first team offense v defense.  The offense went 0-17 in trying to score.  I repeat, 0-17.  I'm not optimistic on the Giants chances versus a Ravens team that needs to win badly.  The number is huge, so I'm going to bank on the Ravens coming out fast, putting up a big lead and then grinding out the second half on the ground.  Baltimore first half -9.

Philadelphia might be the best team in the NFC, but 5.5 is a lot of points to give Pittsburgh.  I can recite off all those "Mike Tomlin as an underdog" stats, but if you've read this far you already know that.  This seems like one of those classic Pittsburgh teams where the defense plays like angry dogs and stymies the other team just long enough for the Steelers to score late with a big slow white tight end you've never heard of catching a four yard pass to win.  Pittsburgh +5.5

Season Record:  29-24  

Rothaus Pils and NFL Week 14

 

I ordered a Rothaus Pils from the extensive bottle list.  The doughy waitress stared at me blankly as I did so, her mouth slightly open.  I wondered if she consistently had a dry tongue and if she wondered why.  She said "OK" as she took my order and walked away.  I didn't think she listened to what I said and waited for her to bring me the wrong thing.  Not listening has somehow morphed into the norm.  I can't tell you how often I need to repeat things to people.  I waited and looked at the wall of TVs, all of them playing obscure college sporting events.  

Ten minutes past and the doughy waitress returned.  "Umm what did you want again?".  Normally I would just order it again and accept the situation, but I felt feisty today.  "I knew you weren't listening when I ordered.  Hey, I'm just asking and I'm not assessing blame, but when I ordered did you not know what I was talking about at the time or just forget?".  She stared at me blankly.  We both knew I was definitely assessing blame.  I picked up the paper menu.  "Look.  See this one here?"  I pointed at "Rothaus" on the menu.  "Can you bring me a bottle of that?".  She looked at me with half closed lids.  "uh-huh".  

With the legalization of weed, it's hard to figure out if she was high as fuck, mentally challenged, or just didn't give a fuck.  My gut told me it was "just didn't give a fuck" and that was confirmed when I saw her standing by the bar shooting the shit with some other hillbilly server with a terrible tattoo barbed wire tattoo creeping up his neck.  Her plump gut pushed over the seam of her pants.  The bearded tattoo server guy touched her arm.  Love was in the air.  The Rothaus Pils may or may not arrive. 

I took that opportunity to dive into the NFL lines.  Look, there's one that jumped out at me.  I cannot understand why Arizona is less than a FG favorite to Seattle at home.  The Cardinals lost two weeks ago in a weird game at Seattle.  They are clearly a better team than Seattle overall and have played the second toughest schedule in the league.  It's tough to beat a divisional opponent twice, and the Seahawks are fairly dodgy.  I really like Arizona -2.5 here.   

I am getting the same vibes from Kansas City as that Steelers team that went 11-1 a few years ago but clearly sorta sucked.  I think the wheels are going to fall off the Chiefs.  I also think the Chargers are a team that have entered my "circle of trust".  This seems like they have morphed into one of those textbook Jim Harbaugh teams that plays tough defense, runs the ball, and doesn't beat themselves.  That is essentially what Kansas City is trying to, which is fine, but covering more than a FG is asking too much here.  In their last three, Kansas City has won on the last play versus a shitty Raiders team, a shitty Panthers team, and got their ass beat by Buffalo.  The Chargers are a legit first round playoff team.  I'll take Chargers +4.  

Pittsburgh lost on prime time TV to Cleveland on a weird snowy night.  The Browns made snow angels and celebrated like they won the Super Bowl.  Pittsburgh is 19-1 at home versus the Browns in their last 20 meetings.  Are the Playoff bound Steelers going to get swept by the Browns in the season series by losing at home in December?  No sir, they are not.  Will it be close?  With Jameis, anything is possible.  I'm staying away from the spread.  Pittsburgh money line.

Kirk Cousins is clearly injured.  The Falcons reported him having a right shoulder and right elbow injury, two fairly important body parts when you are trying to throw a ball past vicious thugs trying to kill you and take away the ball.  He's emotionally involved in wanting to play in his return to Minnesota, which I look at as an opportunity.  This Viking team is not an elite team, but they are a solid quarter final playoff team with a very good defense.  The Falcons inability to create a pass rush on Darnold is a good combo with a Viking defense that will pressure Cousins.  It's not a high powered Viking offense, but it's enough to win.  Minnesota is 5-1 at home this year.  Atlanta is soft.  Minnesota money line.   Cousins might not even play the whole game.  I could see Pennix going in for the second half.  Give me Cousins under 245.5 yards passing too.

Current Record:  26-22