Nurse the Hate: Anarchist Dog Walking and NFL Week 12

 

I walk the bassets most mornings in a park near my home.  I am an excellent target for assassination as I keep almost the same schedule daily.  I think my assassination risk is minimal though, and perhaps the sweet release of death might be preferable to yet another sales tracking report.  Thus, I go on the walk at the same time and see many of the same people.  The weekends tend to be the wild card as many of the "regulars" get replaced by different people I have never seen.  This can sometimes create a conflict as we find ourselves operating under different rules.

A couple quick opening notes about dog ownership.  I am in full agreement with the idea that dogs need to be under control at parks and public spaces.  I think I differ from the public policy making bodies in what the definition of "control" means.  For example, when I would walk Monty and Ryver, especially in their senior years, they were incapable physically of running off.  They didn't jump up on people and act aggressively towards other dogs under any circumstances.  If we were all walking in the woods together, "control" meant that I would steer the direction of our walk away from potential hazards.  Now people like Metroparks Rangers and late middle aged women I encountered would be especially adamant about the rule structure and lose their minds because A) the bassets were not on a leash and B) I would tell the appointed and self appointed guardians of policy that I would not be leashing the dogs because that rule did not apply to me.  When I made this statement it generally resulted in great pushback until I firmly communicated that I did not recognize their authority and did not recognize the existence of a problem, thus I would continue doing what I was doing.  Good day Sir/Madam.

When someone that believes they have authority, regardless if that is from a uniform or a lifetime of generally getting their way, discovers that the person standing across from them is going to ignore them, THIS now becomes the primary issue.  I recall saying "I understand what the technicalities of the rules are but we are not out of control so the problem doesn't exist.  I understand that you think you are some sort of authority here but let me assure you I don't care about you or what you have to say" to a Bay Village woman.  Bay Village Woman has not operated under a reality that they do not perch atop the hierarchy so this can be a jarring moment as two basset hounds sniff the nearby brush as they stroll away.  I had to play a cat and mouse game avoiding that woman for about 60 days until she undoubtedly moved on to a neighbor's sprinkler usage or a street parking situation.  I can only imagine the lengthy debates that raged on the local social media page about my blatant disregard for law and order.  A black person can't even drive through Bay Village without getting pulled over.  What kind of reckless game was I playing flaunting the law?

Yesterday I was walking the bassets by myself.  There were no other people in the park as I went early, and the wind coming off Lake Erie was what is technically referred to as "cold as fuck".  These goddamn puppies cannot be trusted yet, and I try to burn off as many calories as possible by letting them run on the trails chasing squirrels and doing "basset stuff" but having to latch them up when I see other people/dogs.  It was ideal yesterday as we had the entire woods to ourselves.  Normally we will run into nervous "my dog is aggressive" lady.  I think one could argue that if your dog is aggressive perhaps you shouldn't walk him/her where other people/dogs are walking, but it's her park too so we roll with it.  I was standing all alone in the totally empty high school parking lot when I spotted a woman walking towards us.  

The bassets were fighting over a plastic cup, rolling around doing puppy stuff.  It is fairly common to see people walk towards us as basset puppies are insanely cute and draw a lot of attention.  My car door was open and I was trying to get the bassets focused on "ride" as opposed to "Wendy's plastic cup".  It had been unsuccessful so far as the woman closed the gap heading over.  Oh well, there was time for a quick meet n greet.  I passively stared as Elaine trotted over to see the woman heading towards her.  "I'm scared of dogs!  I'm scared of dogs!"  This was an unexpected development.

I cannot explain why a woman that was afraid of dogs was walking directly towards two playing puppies.  She had the option of multiple other routes to avoid any chance of contact but yet soldiered on directly to The Puppy Zone.  Maybe she was just totally fixed on her preferred route she was mentally unable to adjust.  I can't say.  Yet, here she was completely melting down because a basset hound puppy was approaching her.  Did I have "control" over the dog?  No your honor, I did not.  I probably could have jogged over and prevented Elaine from coming within five yards but I couldn't make heads or tails of what was going on.  Who is afraid of a basset hound puppy?  It's like being afraid of a duckling.  The woman was really freaking out though.  I squatted down and yelled out a stern "COME!" and Elaine bounded back to me. 

Once again I find myself a pariah on the community message boards.  There will be a breathless account of this horrifying close call with a dozen "You are so right Sally" responses about irresponsible dog owners like myself.  This is the true beauty of the suburbs, where a non event can be debated for 1-4 days from the safety of everyone's mobile phone with increasing emotions until the next "disaster" happens, perhaps a late garbage pickup after the holiday weekend.  I will, of course, continue to disregard the rules and now begin a cat and mouse game with "Afraid Of Dogs Woman" with my head on a swivel. 

The real issue becomes that I will not have full focus on today's NFL games.  Good Lord have I been doing poorly.  I have gone through some cold streaks in the past, but not like the one this year where it's been missed extra points and weird coaching decisions at the end flipping wins into losses.  I'm going to "trust the process", which doesn't really mean anything, and press ahead.  With that in mind, I am on Pittsburgh +1.  When I saw the Steelers getting points against Cincinnati, I would have probably taken it with a healthy Joe Burrow starting for the Bengals.  The Bengals have been unable to run the ball and their offense was totally dependent on Burrow making plays.  They will now have to move ahead with the same script but with "Browning" instead of "Burrow".  Put it this way, even assuming Pittsburgh can't move the ball, they almost beat Cleveland with the Browns backup rookie QB.  Cincinnati isn't on the same planet defensively as Cleveland.  Pittsburgh +1.  

Speaking of the Browns, they are in a natural letdown spot.  They slay the dragon and beat the Ravens on the road.  The next week with Watson done for the year, DTR leads them on a late drive to beat Pittsburgh in an emotional win.  Now they fly out to Denver to play an vastly improved Broncos team.  I just don't see how the Browns don't take a breath on this game.  It's not possible to stay that high emotionally for a month.  This game will be an ugly grind with each team hoping the other makes mistakes.  Unless Denver turns the ball over, I see Denver squeaking out a win.  Denver -1.5     

Gimme the Raiders!  Kansas City's offense stinks.   Vegas is at home and they are having fun.  Sure, they have no QB play but they are at least abandoning whatever Josh McDaniel was trying to do to move ahead logically.  Give the ball to Jacobs and Adams.  Now there's an idea!  Kansas City will probably win the game, but this is a lot of margin for a team that has trouble scoring.  They can't run the ball very well, the receivers stink, and Kelce is aging out right before our eyes.  I just need the piece of shit Raiders to score a couple touchdowns today.  Raiders +9.5

Season Record:  15-18-1

  

The 2023 Thanksgiving Galaxy Of Wagers

 

It is odd not to be playing a gig tonight.  "The Biggest Bar Night Of The Year" was/is the night before Thanksgiving.  The band had reliably received the call from one of our partner venues each year to play that night for a couple of reasons.  1.  The people that follow the Whiskey Daredevils are much like the band members themselves, people that will run up mammoth bar tabs with no thought to the future family get together the following day.  2.  We will play on other nights when softer bands won't.  Having always followed the concept of "it's better to play than not to play", I will pull the trigger on any gig unless the karma surrounding it is so obscenely negative that no rational human being would take it.  I leave that to Dennis Bell from the Lords of the Highway.  I kid Dennis, I kid.  

Tonight still might be "The Biggest Bar Night Of The Year", but most of our friends don't hit it like that in 2023.  I don't know about you, but my world is now filled with hearing statements like "The boys are on their way back from school" or "We have 27 coming over tomorrow and I have to slaughter the ox".  It's hard to do Jager shots at 1:30am if 27 relatives (of which you like 4 of them) will show up hungry at your doorstep in less than 12 hours.  Life was certainly easier when you either just got to show up at a family dinner like Elvis or had no commitments whatsoever.  I haven't done that move in a long time with the exception of a doomed Vegas Thanksgiving when Krusty got covid about 11 minutes after we had landed.  I have usually cooked.  I can't tell you how many times I rolled in from Youngstown at 415am and just started to make stuffing.  I'd have that nice dull headache behind the eyes and get myself in position to fall asleep watching the Lions not cover the early game.  It was my little tradition. 

I have cooked the Thanksgiving meal 23 of the last 25 years.  Despite all the "let's hear it for Mom" lip service that gets tossed around, a traditional Thanksgiving meal is shockingly easy to prepare.  It's probably even easier if you deep fry the turkey, assuming of course that you don't burn down the garage and inflict grease burns on various nieces and nephews when that operation goes south.  I am so full of free time this year not having to worry about driving the van home from some distant club, that I am even going to bake a pie this Thanksgiving.  I am a lot like Martha Stewart but with no jail time.  I can't even remember why she went to jail?  Was she tied into that Jeffrey Epstein sex ring thing?  Hey, say what you will about Martha selling teenage girls into the sex trade, she still bakes a whale of a pie.    

As a result, I am more eager than ever to fully embrace the Thanksgiving Galaxy of Wagers.  To review, this is when Krusty and I bet on every single sporting event on TV, creating intricate multiple moving part wagers with almost no chance of success.  An example?  How about this sucker bet?  Green Bay +13.5/Washington +18.5/San Fran -.5.  Green Bay makes me the most nervous here as they sorta suck.  I'll need them to score about 20 points to have this come in, but the Lions defense has faded so that seems reasonable.  So what happens if Green Bay lays an egg?  No problem!  How about a Lions money line/Washington +12.5/SF money line/Mississippi v Mississippi St UNDER 55.5?  This is a key to the Galaxy of Wagers.  One outcome will not completely sink the ship, and with luck you can middle it with a Lions seven point victory.  I do like Washington.  They lost to the Giants last weekend, so you're really buying low here.  Nobody watched that game because, why would you?  It's Washington v the Giants.  However, if you check the box score you will note that Washington was a stunning -6 in turnovers.  In the modern era only two teams have won games at -6 in turnovers.  They outgained the Giants in first downs 28 to 10.  I think Washington can hang around in this game and all The Rubes will bet Dallas.  I will take Washington +12.5 straight up too.  

Geno Smith got hurt in the Seahawks v Rams game exiting briefly and reminding us all how badly Drew Locke sucks.  Geno is going to play, but having to play the best team in football with a restricted throwing ability isn't a great situation.  Hence, I got on San Francisco -6.5 before this line inevitably moved to -7.  Yet, that is not the only game on in Prime!  I'm talking Egg Bowl, The Battle for Mississippi, as the Rebels and whatever the hell Mississippi State is duke it out.  Mississippi State just fired their coach, but he seemed doomed to failure anyway.  They promptly went out and beat Southern Miss, one of their only wins over a school you've heard of.  These in state rivalry games are insane, but Ole Miss seems like the right side. I just don't know if they cover 10.  I am going to assume they grind out a physical win and keep the scoring low, UNDER 55.5.  The real move though is to parlay the Egg Bowl Over/Santos Laguna -160.  Thanksgiving doesn't end until you've seen if your Egg Bowl hedge in the 10:10p Mexican League fares.  In my perusing the very emotional Mexican soccer league boards, it appears that Santos Laguna should beat Mazlatan FC, a match even more exciting on Univision when you can't understand a fucking word.  The college basketball lines aren't out yet, but I look forward to launching three or four multi moving part parlays that have NO (zero) chance of hitting, just so I can be faithful to tradition.  Some people enjoy Thanksgiving tradition by tucking into a bowl full of ambrosia and scooping green bean casserole in giant heaps onto their plate.  Me?  I step into The Galaxy Of Wagers.     

This just in... You'd be a damn fool not to parlay Boston College/North Carolina basketball and somehow tie in the early Mexican League soccer match!   

 

Nurse the Hate: Bad Luck and NFL Week 11

 

I have some concerns about my good fortune today as I started it with about as strong a sign as The Gods can give that things might not go your way.  I walked into a Starbucks mere steps behind a gaggle of 16 year old girls.  What I had anticipated as a four minute detour for an espresso became about a third of my morning as the girls made and then waited for their orders before mine.  My order is two words, "double espresso" which I could clip down to one, "doppio", if I totally gave into the fake Italian coffee house culture Starbucks so efficiently portrays.  If I walk into a storefront and do that order, it's like an F1 pitstop.  I am out of there so fast my visit is more of a rumor than an actual event.  Let's contrast that with the almond milk caramel brulee latte double caramel extra foam.  You might as well order a roast duck it's going to take so fucking long to prepare.  But I get it...

Starbucks cracked the code and became a monster for one simple reason.  They made it acceptable to get dessert in the morning.  The young girls in their flannel pajama pants aren't there for coffee.  They are there to knock back a Dairy Queen item at 8:45 in the morning and not get looked at crosseyed because they are slurping down 1200 calories of whipped cream and caramel.  As a cranky man of advancing years, I almost wanted to pass along the wisdom "it's a slippery slope ladies".  One day you are a cute little girl with your posse having a harmless little indulgence, and the next you are waiting 35 minutes in the drive through line for your hit because you can't bear the thought of the struggle it is walking out of your car.  It's easier to get hooked on an Iced Gingerbread Oatmeal Chi than it is fentanyl.  Look it up.  

As a result, I huffed and puffed as I looked for a place to stand to wait for my own hit.  I stooped over and doom scrolled looking at various websites looking for answers with the NFL.  I have had a couple really bad losses in the last weeks, missed extra points late being especially hard hitting.  I am now sort of at that point where I am convinced that God Is Out To Get ME.  I have been through bad patches with NFL gambling before, but this is right up there.  It's no place to be going into Thanksgiving with the now traditional GALAXY OF WAGERS on tap.  I'm doing my best over here, but let's be honest.  I don't know ANYTHING right now.  I gotta turn this thing around.          

The Raiders have been smoking cigars and rolling around in confetti after getting two wins and cutting Josh McDaniels loose.  McDaniels did what he has always done, and quickly install his "Culture Of Losing".  There are two things to count on after hiring McDaniels on as the head coach.  1.  The players will all hate him. 2.  The team will start losing.  McDaniels accomplished all his goals in Vegas, so it was time to part ways.  Then the storybook Raiders went out and won two straight.  It looks like all is well in Vegas until you remember that they beat the Giants and Jets.  Now they play Miami in Miami after a bye.  Miami needs to right the course after that loss to Kansas City in Germany.  Miami should kick the fuck out of the Raiders.  This is not a contrarian viewpoint as they are favored by two touchdowns. Miami -13.5.

There are quite a few games like that Miami game on the slate today.  Dallas is on the road at Carolina -10.5.  San Francisco is -12 at home versus Tampa.  It would be stunning if any of those three underdogs came out with a win on Sunday.  If you tie all three favorites into a 3 team parlay it's Miami/Dallas/SF money line -200.  I've been so snake bit lately I will yield to the multiple favorite parlay, the true wager of a man that has lost his nerve.   

I am going under 40 on the Buffalo/Jets game.  Zack Wilson has led the Jets to a TD once in the last 55 drives.  The only way the Jets score a bunch of points is with a couple costly Josh Allen INTs, something he's done quite a bit this season.  However, Allen's turnovers have been such a monster topic of conversation that it is inconceiveable that he puts the ball at risk, right?  Right?  Right?  All Buffalo needs to do to win this game is play conservative offense and let the Jets be the Jets.  Buffalo needs a win right here, and not one with style points.  Robert Saleh won't have any answers as he stares straight ahead emotionless like he's drifted out of his body.  Let's just hope Wilson doesn't goose the total up with catastrophic turnovers of his own.  

Season Record:  13-17-1

  

Nurse the Hate: Lee Rocker and NFL Week 10

 

I remember first becoming aware of the Stray Cats like most American kids did in the early 1980s, on MTV.  Their videos were this weird combination being totally unlike the corporate Quiet Riot/Def Leppard rock of the time, yet not totally divorced from the Bow Wow Wow, Adam Ant, and Polecats videos that also were included in the early MTV playlists.  I grew up in Erie PA, perhaps one of the least hip cities in the country at that time.  There was one FM rock radio station, K-104.  That station must not have had a paid music consultant.  I bet they went cheap and skimmed their playlists from the trades which made for an unholy mix of East Coast Mega Market FM radio infused with some sort of fucked up gut feel locally.  I remember hearing Toto's "Africa" and Steve Miller's "Abracadabra" every 25 minutes blended in with Journey, Supertramp and Styx.  These MTV "New Wave" artists that suddenly appeared on our cable TV blew our fucking minds.  It was like an alternate universe appeared fully formed on our doorstep like some sort of alien landing.

It's hard to place context on the lack of cultural access in the 1980s to people today.  Today you can type anything into your computer and see it.  Leo and I typed "Clown Porn" into Gary's phone one time just to see if such a thing existed (and it does).  This might explain Gary's total disappearance as he might have been snapped up by The Authorities.  There was no way to even dream up an alternative to K-104's playlist beyond the deep tracks of everyone's stoner older brother's record collection.  You were a music geek if you knew Pink Floyd had a record prior to Dark Side Of The Moon.  The music geek debate around the lunch table was about if Yes was better than Pink Floyd because their musicians played more complicated arrangements and solos.  That was now all up in the air.  Suddenly there were all these mystery bands that played undeniably catchy songs that upended all the established thinking about what bands were "good".  These Stray Cat guys couldn't be "real" musicians because that drummer only had two drums for God's sake!  (Or so the prevailing wisdom of the locker room contended)  

It seems crazy now, but it was once considered "dangerous" to listen to Elvis Costello, Modern English and the Stray Cats.  They were so far away from the established corporate rock that had ruled the previous decade that everyone's peers had to take inventory to see where people stood. In my high school, Talking Heads was considered cool, sort of lumped in with The Police as natural extensions of Corporate Rock bands.  Meanwhile The Ramones were definitely a signifier of being an outcast. They were very dangerous.  None of it made any sense.  The bands that were "New Wave" that had radio hits bubbling up like Adam Ant, Men At Work and the Stray Cats were brushed off as being "for fags".  A comment like this could get a kid banished from a school district today, but in the early 1980s this did not signify men having sex with men, but an indication that the music being made was not overtly macho enough to be listened to by growing teenage boys looking to assert their masculinity.  Oddly enough, to be a "real man" and not "a fag" was aided greatly by owning Judas Priest records.  It was a different age.  I can't recall an open incident of homosexual behavior at my school, but at any given time someone was being call a "fag" for daring to listen to the B-52s.  It's just the way it was.

I was interested in the Stray Cats from the outset, but I held them at arms length.  One had to approach these bands delicately to make sure that the various cliques that circled the school like sharks would not turn on you like a pit of vipers.  One day you're on top of the world.  The next you're labeled a fag because you have "Built For Speed".  Who knew what the prevailing opinion was on these bands?  The shit moved fast.  "What?  Miller likes "Stray Cat Strut"?  KILL HIM!!!!".  I still think of my friend Darin planting his flag on the Ramones being great in 1981 as being a true act of courage in the Court of Versailles that was Fairview High School.  It was all pretty confusing how all these brand new bands and sounds fit together.  I lumped the Stray Cats in with the other weird videos that pandered for my attention in 1982 like The Go-Gos, Flock of Seagulls, Dexy's Midnight Runners, INXS, and Adam Ant.  The Stray Cats seemed like some cooler version of Sha Na Na that rocked harder but was sort of Happy Days obsessed.  I just didn't have the tools to understand what was really going on there.  I'm 15.  I don't who the hell Johnny Burnette is yet!

When MTV breathlessly announced the new Stray Cats video "Sexy and +17" was going to be debuted, I did note it.  Though that song's lyrical content didn't age well, that initial groove on the track sold me.  Setzer was clearly writing lyrics that mirrored the Chuck Berry/50s rockabilly playbook as a tribute to his influences (or maybe trying to copy his record collection blueprint as best he could).  Sexy and 17 wasn't an odd idea in 1982.  The idea that men shouldn't fuck kids is actually new in rock music.  If you listen to rock music from the 60s, almost all those bands are singing about having sex with REALLY YOUNG girls.  Didn't anyone notice that Gary Puckett and the Union Gap's hits "This Girl Is A Woman Now" and "Young Girl" are creepy as shit?  In context, "Sexy and +17" is pretty harmless.  Put it out now, you go to jail.  Then?  You put that little + sign next to the 17 and everyone stays out of jail.  It really didn't appear weird at all.  In the video, the Stray Cats seemed super cool how they strutted into the club to play a gig and the "Sexy and +17 girl" was 100% sexier than any of the girls in my high school.  Between you and me, I don't think she was actually 17 but probably a 24 year old model from London.  I was sold.  The Stray Cats had moved in my internal ledger from "Keep An Eye On" to "Cool Band".

It's odd how things work out.  We have played with Setzer solo a few times.  We are playing a show with Lee Rocker from the Stray Cats on Sunday the the Music Box.  15 year old me would never believe any of that.  15 year old me assumed all people that worked/lucked into million selling record careers were of a different species than myself and my friends.  I think Lee Rocker was 21 years old when the Stray Cats hit.  I never even considered that the guys in the video were approximately my age.  Then again age 21 to 15 seems like a galaxy apart whereas age 56 to 61 is the same advertising demographic age cell.  The idea that someone like you could have a video in mind numbing rotation on MTV and be a "rock star" was unapproachable.  That wasn't the path for guys like us.  Making a band seemed outrageous.  I don't think I could get my arms around the idea that I could travel to London, much less that these Stray Cat guys flew over there and worked to become big names.  Erie PA is very small and residents see a trip to Cleveland as exotic and dangerous.  London?  Good Lord. 

I haven't considered before how young the Stray Cats were when they started popping up in my living room TV set.  I don't know about you, but if I was 21/22 years old with a few hits on the radio and headlining a tour of 20,000 seat sheds, I would not have handled it well.  I don't even know how that band got such an expert grasp on the genre while they were so young.  How did those guys ferret out and recognize that cool old shit?  Being someone that gravitated to punk rock, the Stray Cats were always on my peripheral vision.  Of course, I liked them more once the general public moved on to other things like Richard Marx and Corey Hart.  I bought up the Stray Cats catalogue as I went, my personal favorites being "Blast Off" and "Choo Choo Hot Fish" perhaps because the band was forced to commercially slink back to The Rockabilly Ghetto and the clubs I frequented.  I remember a show on that Blast Off Tour at Peabody's (or was it Empire?) as being fucking great.  The band always delivered.

This Lee Rocker show should be fun.  The Cowslingers played with Lee Rocker a couple of times.  I don't think I ever even spoke to him.  Once he was with his band Big Blue and had the unfortunate timing to play Wilbert's during an Indians World series run.  I had tickets to that World Series game.  I watched six innings and had to dash over a few blocks to play our set to the lightly filled room.  I don't remember the show itself at all.  We did pick up a copy of his Big Blue record that lived in our van for a couple of years.  Big Blue's cover of "The Hucklebuck" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT7ZHjOrp1o ) was an instrumental that we attached our own lyrics of "lick my/ball sack" to the intro and would consistently sing as we had to muscle heavier gear up staircases during bad load ins almost like a traditional work song in the fields.  Ear worm warning.  I still do it now and that was almost 30 years ago.  Click that link and sing our lyrics at your own peril.

The good thing about the show being Sunday, most of my degenerate Sunday gambling will be winding down.  I am going to get on the Packers +3.5 over Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh has a winning record yet can't score.  They get outgained week after week, but somehow keep winning.  It doesn't seem sustainable.  It makes me very uncomfortable betting on Green Bay.  Jordan Love stinks, which everyone but the Packers seemed to know two years ago.  I don't know, maybe Aaron Rodgers is that big of a pain in the ass that it's worth going out with Love and probably losing instead of going to the Playoffs with Mr. "Hey, Get That Camera On Me, I Am Throwing The Ball While The Rest Of The Jets Stretch Out On The Field".  Pittsburgh probably pulls out another win, but that half point hooked me.  

I'm on Arizona over Atlanta.  You can't buy any lower on Arizona who barely looked like an NFL Football team last week in Cleveland.  However, Kyler Murray is a massive upgrade over Clayton Tune, a man that looked as about over his head as I would if forced to pilot a 747.  The Cardinals are likely trying to show the rest of the league that Murray is healthy and can be YOURS TODAY AT A LOW, LOW PRICE so they can draft a new franchise QB this April.  Atlanta is a great team to "get right" on.  These guys allowed Josh Dobbs to play backyard football and beat them, make Will Levis look like the best QB in the draft, and go 1-7 ATS in their last 8 games.  Atlanta is especially shitty on the road too.  Arizona +1.5  

In the last 15 years the Browns have won in Baltimore 2 times.  For them to win this week they will need to overcome both starting offensive tackles being hurt and the right tackle replacement being hurt.  The Ravens defense has allowed the least amount of points per game in the league at 13.8 ppg.  Deshaun Watson will need to overcome his league worst accuracy percentage and play through his shoulder injury.  That's a lot of "ifs" against what appears to be a top 3 team in the league playing at home.  Baltimore money line.  I'm going all in on Baltimore and tying them up into a teaser with Denver, who has quietly evolved into being "below average" from their previous standing as "fucking terrible".  The Bills stink right now.  Move that Denver line to Denver +13/Baltimore -.5.  Time to get this ship going in the right direction.

Current Record:  12-15-1

Nurse the Hate: Thoughts On Jesus And Such

 

I was struggling on stage recently with this cough/cold/flu/"How can I be sick if I tested negative for covid" thing.  It does slip my mind that it is possible to become ill with the 13,765 other potential ailments floating around other than covid.  In the past when you would get a bad cold/chest cough, it was "something that's going around".  This is commonly referred to as "it", as in "Yeah, my sister had it and then a few people from work had it.  It's been going around.".  You knew you didn't want to get "it" and if you didn't, you could refer back to this good fortune as "I didn't get it last Fall, and I thought a couple weeks ago I was going to get it, but I fought it off.".  Unfortunately, I had "it".

It might have been the dangerous self-prescribed mix of ibuprofen, mucinex, Rolling Rock, and bourbon, but I had some weird thoughts floating around as I concentrated on how to work past vocal notes I had no chance of hitting.  I can't explain why, but I thought about Jesus at one point.  Not, "our Lord and Savior will look after me".  No, my thoughts were a bit more specific.  It had hit me, in all of the centuries of serious paintings of Christ, I can't recall seeing one where you can see his teeth.  All of those crucifixion paintings that line the Prado museum in Madrid, not one that shows his teeth.  That's when a concept began to dawn on me.  

What if Jesus had fucked up teeth?

I am sure Biblical scholars can argue that being the son of God, there will be a certain level of perfection with your body.  That's reasonable.  However, if all of these painting are consistent showing Jesus with a six pack, luxurious mane of hair, and attractive facial features, why leave out the teeth?  What if he had buckteeth, and early on there was a gentleman's agreement to just not show the teeth?  "Look, we are trying to get this Catholic Church off the ground here, and it's been brought to my attention that it's a hard sell if we start whipping out these bucktooth Jesus etchings.  From this point on, give him a good looking set of teeth, or better yet, just keep his mouth closed.  Paul was telling me just the other day he was in this village spreading the word, and the entire time he's fending off questions like "If he's the son of God, how come he has a mouth like a mackerel?"  From this point on, no more teeth.  Got it?".   

In any period piece drama set in the time of Christ, there are plenty of folks selling rugs, money changers, and tents to get a quick bite to eat.  You know what you never see?  Orthodontists.  You also never see anyone brushing their teeth.  "OK Centurions.  We are going to go nail these dudes to crosses, but before we go, let's make sure everyone brushes their teeth.  The last thing we need before you all rotate back home to Rome is a bunch of gingivitis.  Let's go.  Brush 'em boys."  I'm telling you, there's no way Jesus had a good set of choppers.  Guy wanders around in the desert for 40 days, there's no way he's attentive to his dental health.  These are the type of things that hit you when you are jacked up on Bookers/Mucinex and think past the accepted narrative.

Here's another narrative I'm not buying.  The Ravens are one of the best teams in the NFL.  Hear me out on this.  The Ravens are 6-2 with a signature win over the Lions that I'm admittedly still a little bitter about.  However, those wins also include Texans with Stroud making his first NFL start, Browns with DTR starting on short notice, Bengals with injured Joe Burrow, and Titans with Malik Willis.  That's not exactly murderer's row.  They beat Arizona last week by 7.  This week the Ravens are favored over Seattle by 6?  I'm not saying the Ravens aren't a good team.  They look like a surefire playoff team.  Then again, so does Seattle.  A case can be made that Seattle is the best team to get this many points all season.  I don't get this line.  It's too many points.  This feels like a FG game to me.  Seattle +6.

Baker Mayfield has an injured knee.  The Bucs are reporting it as a "contusion".  There are a couple things I can tell you about Baker Mayfield playing through injuries.  1.  The guy is tough as nails and will get on the field regardless of how injured he is.  2.  He will not play very well while doing so.  Mayfield cost himself multi generational money when he played through that horrific shoulder injury he had in Cleveland.  Mayfield's fear now is that if he gets off the field and his backup comes in, he won't ever get back on the field.  He will get relegated to "former starter washout that will now linger around as a backup".  Mayfield is playing no matter what.  For those of us getting on the Texans -3, this is good news.  Tampa has lost their last 3 games and they aren't scoring points.  They have two touchdowns in their last three games when you take out the meaningless garbage time TD late against the Bills last week.  The Texans are in a good spot.  They just lost a public embarrassment game versus winless Carolina on the road, but have covered four of their last five.  They've beaten Jacksonville and Pittsburgh.  I think the Texans are better than The Public does, sort of bubbling around that Browns/Seahawks/Jets level.  I think this is a team on the rise and they handle Tampa easily.  Houston -3. 

I'm going to make a small wager on Kansas City over Miami in the Sunday morning game in Frankfurt.  This isn't a football handicap so much as an NFL marketing handicap.  The Chiefs are the biggest profile team in the league at the moment.  You've got the best QB in Patrick Mahomes, a TE dating Taylor Swift, a recognizable coach, and the Super Bowl title.  The league flew the whole circus over to Germany last year, and for some reason Tom Brady seemed to have a lot of penalties go his way late to secure an unlikely Tampa win.  I see the same thing going for Pat Mahomes as long as KC can hang around.  Miami is good but seems to bully bad teams.  KC has a good defensive front (just like the Eagles), and Miami has problems with that.  The NFL wants a smiling Mahomes jogging off the field with a furiously clapping Taylor Swift visible from the luxury box.  Kansas City -1.5   

Current Record:  11-13-1