Nurse the Hate: Feed The Lion and NFL Week 12

 

I have returned from Las Vegas, unexpectedly flush with cash after a wild run on the roulette wheel in New York New York, a place where I have always avoided playing anything as all the table game rules are made to pound it up your ass with a stick.  I feel bad when I see Wal Mart Families wandering around in the casino like glazed eyed sheep in variations of "America #1" garb.  There is a healthy cross section of the country that likes to vacation in Confrontational Fashion like "Let's Go Brandon" t-shirts and redneck comedy versions of "Fuck You I like Guns and Hate Other People" hats.  While these people are quite certain about their belief system (and want to make sure you know too), they are not so certain in their math as they eagerly sit at $15 a hand Blackjack tables with 6-5 blackjack payouts, dealers hitting soft 17s, no splits on anything but aces, etc.  They have NO CHANCE at winning as they hand over their monthly wage while slurping down novelty one gallon booze slurpees.  

The casino industry figured out that most of America is too stupid to know when the deck is completely stacked against them.  All of the big strip casinos shove it up their customers ass, and the patrons are only too willingly to spread their cheeks with a smile.  The only chance anyone has in there is on certain bets in the sports book, a legit craps table and traditional rules blackjack.  Roulette is a sucker game, but back in a corner I saw one where in exchange for playing $25 inside. there was only one green zero.  I hit four numbers in about 45 minutes, and that shit adds up quick.  I cashed out, and a hush fell over the hillbillies when they saw the green $500 chips coming my way.  See you creeps later.  I gotta go feed the Lion.

The phrase "go feed the lion" was used on me by Krusty, who suggested I needed to pad my dwindling account over at the MGM Sportsbook.  He was not wrong as I have had my worst run on NFL gambling in over a decade.  The league is so unpredictable that in any given moment everything you know is wrong.  I am not clear on which teams are even "good" right now.  Green Bay, Tampa, and Arizona?  I know Detroit, Jacksonville, Houston, and the Jets are bad.  Everyone else is in that muck of confusion.  I am certain about one thing.  Baker Mayfield is incapable of throwing the ball more than 15 yards with any confidence.  This is going to be a problem as the Browns face all the teams in The Muck down the stretch.

I am not wagering on Baltimore per se, but against Mayfield.  Mayfield, in what might be the worst business decision of all time, has continued to play while injured and brought his status as a franchise quarterback into debate.  He went from a slam dunk $40 million a year for 8 years to $18 million dollar one year option deal as he keeps trotting out there to highlight his shortcomings.  The Ravens are better than the Browns, consistently finding ways to win.  To play a game against a team that has to play on a consistent 15 yard field is a huge advantage.  Despite all the swirling underground rumors about Lamar Jackson, I am taking a firm position on Baltimore money line.    

I am taking Atlanta today, who is not quite in the "Shit Team Four", but is knocking on the door.  Anytime you can bet against Urban Myer/Trevor Lawrence/Jacksonville and give less than a field goal, you have my attention.  Atlanta is coming off a shockingly embarrassing loss to New England (who suddenly looks elite), and I like to take teams after they have been shamed on a national stage.  Jacksonville is really, really bad.  Atlanta only has one "really" next to their "bad".  Atlanta -2

Remember two weeks ago when we all thought the Bengals were the new elite team in the AFC North?  That seems like a lifetime ago, and in the NFL, it is.  This Sunday they play Pittsburgh at home, and are giving the Steelers 3.5.  Pittsburgh should be awful.  They have no offense.  Roethlesberger looks about as athletic as I do.  Yet, here they are right in the mix as usual competing for the division.  The Steelers somehow always find a way, the exact opposite of the Browns, who almost always don't find a way.  I love Pittsburgh in those games where they have been counted out.  The Browns showed that defensive pressure takes a massive toll on what the Bengals want to do on offense, and the Steelers (as always) will bring pressure.  That extra .5 on this spread put me over.  Pittsburgh +3.5    

Season Record:  17-25

Nurse the Hate: Hate Spirit Airlines

 

I just flew Spirit Airlines, a discount carrier.  The attraction to Spirit is getting a “deal” on your flight, though the actual savings is generally negligible.  They loop customers in with low advertising fares, like “Las Vegas $89!”, but then they get their talons into you with the “extras”.  You pay the $89 on the flight, which is great, but then they ding you for $75 to bring a suitcase, which I find is important to have clothes and toiletries when I arrive at my destination.  Of course, you want to bring a carry on, so that’s an extra $25.  Need a boarding pass?  That’s $7.  How about an early check in?  $12.  Oh, you wanted to pick your seat?  That’s another $25 to sit in row 3, but you can sit for free in steerage in the back which resembles to below deck scene in the film “Titanic”.  I couldn’t be positive over the roar of the plane engines, but I think I heard an accordion and fiddle along with some aggressive clog dancing coming from rows 36-39.  Guys with handlebar mustaches are hanging on hammocks slicing off pieces of salami feeding them to wailing kids.  I don’t go back there.

 

When all is said and done, it’s basically the same cost as any “normal” flight, but in this case, it was a direct to Vegas so I took it.  The clientele thinks they scored a sweet deal, and my assumption is that these are the same folks that pat themselves on the back when Grande Cool Rancho Burritos are offered at 2-1 pricing at Taco Bell.  Of the three inevitabilities in modern life, it is death, taxes, and the passengers on a Spirit Airline being essentially the same as a bus trip between Detroit and Cleveland.  A Spirit airline flight is a Greyhound Bus in the sky.

 

The flight attendant is about 75 pounds overweight.  I am on the aisle, so each time she passes me, her enormous ass bangs into my shoulder.  I know that we are in an age where nothing is allowed to disqualify you for a job, but if your girth is such that you cannot walk the airplane aisle without touching either side, you should be grounded.  In the NBA or the NFL, they refer to this as “eating yourself out of the league”.  You know those boxes by the gate in planes where the airline measures if the passenger carry-on meets the required size?  That same idea should be used where the flight attendant is required to stand in a box and cannot touch any side.  A light can go off if she/he touches the wall.  “Sorry Denise.  Looks like you’re out on this flight.  Better hit the treadmill, or turn in your wings.  It’s a cruel business, but you knew that coming into it.  I’m sorry.”

 

About a quarter of the oncoming passengers carried fast food bags on board.  The plane smelled like a Mall Food Court.  I got whacked in the head five times by backpacks.  People stared at their boarding passes for seat locations like they were trying to decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls.  There was a kid behind me with a little dog that he refused to put into a pet carrier.  His grandfather argued with the flight attendant that they were told they didn’t need to put the dog into a carrier, a clear lie.  The flight attendant produced an iPad showing the Spirit website where it plainly displayed the pet policy.  The grandfather steadfastly maintained that “they changed that”, as if a corporate website had been overhauled a few days prior to his arrival.  The argument carried on during the entire taxi to takeoff, and ended with the unsteady grandfather standing in the aisle like he was riding a skateboard for the first time.  Meanwhile the flight attendant’s fat elbow dug into my neck like a soft hammer.  Spirit!     

 

One expects a certain “rube factor” on a Vegas flight, and that is multiplied by five on a discount carrier.  The problem is that real airlines don’t fly direct to Cleveland any longer.  The calculation one must make in their head is if enduring the Spirit flight is worth the savings of $50 and a couple hours of time with a transfer.  My expert opinion to you dear reader is that if you feel uncomfortable in a WalMart or BMV, then avoid Spirit.  If you decide you want to try it, just to see if you can deal with it, I’d suggest the flight BACK from Las Vegas as opposed to the one GOING to Las Vegas.  The flight going to Vegas is filled with energy as relatively novice travelers are going in full bore to “show Vegas something they haven’t seen before”.  Let me assure you, Vegas has seen people like you before, and it is getting ready to send you home broke and hungover after you get fleeced all over town.  The savvy traveler takes the flight BACK from Vegas where these folks will be silently licking their wounds.

 

The Thanksgiving “Galaxy of Wagers” is upon us.  These games are mostly impenetrable as the NFL is about as easy to predict as my sophomore year girlfriend.  Anything can happen at any time, and at the end of it, I will be broke and possibly crying.  However, you have your Thanksgiving traditions, and I have mine.  I like to have action on everything that moves, the best being horribly thought out teasers and parlays, sucker bets with a capital “S”.     

I'm on Montgomery Over 75 yards rushing, Bears -2.5, Buffalo -.5/Mississippi +8, Ole Miss +2, Lions +8.5/Raiders +13.5 teaser, First half UNDER 25.5 Dallas/Raiders, First Half UNDER 22 Bills/Saints, and a foolish three team parlay Bears/Cowboys/Bills.

Best of luck.  I'm doomed.  Happy Thanksgiving.     

Nurse the Hate: Hate Brandon and NFL Week 11

 

 

There’s a house about five minutes from me that is proudly flying a “Let’s Go Brandon” flag.  I wasn’t surprised as this flag replaced their “Trump Train” flag, the bumper sticker on the pickup truck in the driveway advocating an “Audit 2020” and a Thin Blue Line flag.  When I see that Thin Blue Line flag, I generally assume that unless the person is somehow tied to law enforcement, they are biding their time waiting for what seems to be our inevitable slide into authoritarianism.  If you wear a goatee, Oakley sunglasses on the brim of your ballcap, and drive an enormous pickup truck, do you get a Thin Blue Line flag free, or do you get the flag when you sign up at a secret location to be part of future terror squads?  Asking for a friend…   

 

The trio of messages this house sends out, what I refer to as “The Bad Vibe Bungalow”, are conflicted.  They are suggesting that they want “law and order”, yet at the same time want teenage vigilantes with assault weapons patrolling the streets.  Really, isn’t the “law and order” just the sell line on “white power”?  Let's talk about that other Brandon.  The fact that Brandon Rittenhouse got acquitted wasn’t shocking.  I expected it.  Shit, that kid will probably get elected to Congress in a few years despite being by all appearances a total moron.  There was no way that part of the country was going to convict someone 100% guilty of a crime that didn’t conform to the way they see the world.  “Them protesters had it coming!”

 

To review, a teenager drove across state lines with an assault weapon he bought illegally to go to a riot.  He said he was going “to help”, and by “help” I think we all know that he meant “hopefully get to use this cool gun like I do in my favorite video games”.  When he got there, it turned out that a riot was more unpredictable than what he had seen on TV.  He got in trouble, so he shot a few people and killed two of them.  The defense was that he was in fear for his life because he was worried that he might get shot with the gun he brought to a riot.  Not guilty.  Hmmm.

 

Now I would suggest the verdict would have been very different if we change a few details.  A group of Trump Supporters do one of those pickup truck flag parades.  A black kid is concerned about his safety and walks around the event with an assault rifle.  Some people from the crowd start moving towards him and one of them takes a whack at the kid with a Trump sign.  The kid freaks out and shoots three of the Trumpers.  That kid would have been shot dead within three minutes of that incident, but let’s say he somehow made it to trial.  What odds you want to give that kid on acquittal?  I’d say his odds would be much less than the Jets winning this Sunday.

 

Look, our country is really fucked up.  The good news is the nation isn’t as fucked up as the New York Jets.  The Jets had the #2 pick in the draft and decided to draft a little fella from Utah to play QB.  That hasn’t worked out too well.  In fact, Zach Wilson appears to be ill-suited to play QB in the NFL, a fact which the always communicative New York fans are ready to pipe in on.  When Wilson got hurt, they had to start Mike White, who promptly went out and looked better than the kid the organization had planted a flag around.  Uh oh.  If the Jets missed on that #2 high profile QB pick, a lot of people are going to lose their jobs.

 

This week the Jets are at home against the Dolphins, a fairly crappy team themselves.  I see this as a game of motivation.  The Dolphins need a win.  Their backs are against the wall.  The coach needs a strong finish to keep his gig.  They are 3-7 after almost making the Playoffs last season.  However, they have won their last two and just beat the mighty Ravens on a Thursday, giving them extra time to prepare for the Jets.  Ah, the Jets…

 

The Jets are 2-7, have given up a record amount of points in the last three games, and just got pasted by the Bills.  Though it seems like Wilson is healthy enough to play, they are opting instead to start Joe Flacco.  “Joe Flacco?  Why, I didn’t know he was a Jet!”  Flacco has been a Jet for a couple weeks.  He has been a below average QB for a half decade.  Why the hell would they start Flacco, new to the system, new to the team, when they could start a high variance White or the prized rookie?  Because they don’t want the boos at home to rattle the kid, or good play from White to point out how badly they missed on Wilson.  They have decided to throw Flacco out there as a patsy, where his poor performance won’t ding anyone upstairs.  I think the Jets are tanking this game, and I bet the Jets locker room does too.  Miami -3.

 

I like to bet on NFL teams a week after they get humiliated.  ALL of these teams are filled with alpha male super competitive athletes.  They DO NOT like to look bad.  The Browns got totally torched last week by New England.  They did EVERYTHING wrong and lost 45-7 in a game that was supposed to be a toss up.  All week they have heard about how shitty they were.  Enter the Detroit Lions off an overtime tie to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the overtime period maybe the worst professional football I have seen since the 0-16 Browns.  Even better is the fact that the Lions are starting Tim Boyle at QB, whose last start came on an 80 yard preseason field against the Raiders.  Before that he played at Eastern Kentucky where he threw for 11 TDs and 13 INTS.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I have no idea why he is on an NFL roster. 

 

Tim Boyle must “always have his head in the playbook” or “have a great attitude”, because he has never been good at football as an adult.  How in God’s name is he in the league?  There is nothing in his past that suggests he should have even had the opportunity to try and make a roster, much less start a game.  I am betting that the Browns defense “will create opportunities” which is shorthand for “demonstrate why a lackluster Eastern Kentucky QB is going to get killed”.  I have no idea how the Lions will score when they can’t score with Goff (who sucks too).  I think the Browns will run, run, run and play conservatively to win.  I’m counting on Boyle to give me this cover.  Browns -12.

 

Season Record:  12-20    

Nurse the Hate: Pterodactyls and NFL Week 10

 

If you're like me, and I think you are, you thank your lucky stars that pterodactyls are no longer an issue.  Sure, life would be a lot more exciting if you had to scan the skies to see if a flying reptile with a 36 foot wingspan was cruising overhead looking for food (you).  The consistent presence of an apex predator flapping overhead would dramatically change everything.  "Honey, remember the Johnsons are coming for dinner tonight.  Set the table for three, not four.  Their son Billy was taken by a pterodactyl Tuesday."  Then you'd have to come up with the goddamn small talk to minimize it.  "Hey Ron, heard what happened to Billy.  Hey... what can you do?  It's part of growing up.  We must have had seven kids in my class taken my sophomore year.  He was at the bus stop shelter pod I heard?  Is that right?  Ohhhh... playing with his friends by the park?  Hmmm... We had heard it was at the bus stop.  Yeah... Ah... No shelter pods over there at the park...  You want another Bud Light Lime?"

I suppose an entire secondary industry would pop up around the "pterodactyl problem".  Shelters for public gatherings.  Metal roof protection over stadiums and outdoor concert venues.  Electric currents running on the roof of your car.  "Has this happened to you?  (shot of pterodactyl ripping open a Subaru and eating a family like they were peel and eat shrimp, family screaming, general carnage). Why let a pterodactyl be an issue when Beak Stop can prevent up to 60% of all unwanted reptile attacks on YOUR family!  Just hit the Confidence Switch and Beak Stop will send 200,000 volts massaging the roof of your car.  The sound of crackling electricity is the sound of peace of mind!".

Outdoor grilling, a bastion of masculinity, becomes a real test of manhood when slow roasting meat on you Green Egg also entails the potential of a massive creative diving down on you.  I think maybe the move would be to work in a team where one guy checks the ribs and then the other guy mans some sort of harpoon cannon.  "Jackie!  Get that sauce on!  I think we got one swooping in!"  Tuesday garbage day would have common sights of tattered outdoor umbrellas.  "We had Cindy's Mom over, and we were just tucking into some chicken salad when one of those goddamn pterodactyls swung in and ripped up the whole fucking picnic.  Now I gotta go to Lowes and get a new umbrella.  Third one this summer."

There would be cries to "cull the flocks", but animal rights activists would file injunctions, making action impossible.  Great debates would rage in town hall meetings.  "Why do we keep paying for these pterodactyl sirens when we can just shoot the damn things?"  Gasp emitted from half of the room.  General murmering.  Bang of a gavel.  Order!  Order!  Half of the people drive around with cute cartoon pterodactyl stickers on their cars, the other half with manly anti-dinosaur weapon glorification decals.  Who needs that?  We really dodged a bullet with these pterodactyls.  Life could have been a lot different.

It's like covid.  Who would have thought a couple years ago that the Minnesota Vikings would have lost a starting offensive lineman to a virus and now he's in the hospital?  They have five players on the Covid list this week, Cook has had to answer questions about domestic violence issues, and Vikings Fan Forums are starting to run polls titled "Which veteran QB can replace Kirt Cousins?".  As Leo would say, "It's a little fucked up.".  Cousins is well documented playing poorly out of his 1p comfort zone, and this week they are in LA to play the Chargers, a team that is a step up in quality over the Vikings.  It's a lost season in Minnesota, and it seems a bit much to ask for a win here.  Chargers -3

Jordan Love showed last week that the Green Bay Packers are going to have to pay Aaron Rodgers anything he wants.  Love appeared to be like an even less effective DeShone Kizer, one of the worst starting QBs in NFL history and now ex-Titan backup.  When you get released in favor of Matt Barkley, it's time to find a new line of work.  It appears that Aaron Rodgers is a real pain in the ass, possessing a magnificent ego but fortunately with all the tools to back it up.  I think he is going to go out and throw for 1000 yards on Sunday as an exclamation point after Love's horrific start against the Chiefs.  The line has moved from -5 to -3.5 as The Public seems to think Russell Wilson will carry a crappy Seahawk team to victory.  If he does, he will need to score about 40.  Green Bay -3

I don't think the Chiefs are going to flip some kind of switch and become The Mighty Chiefs.  The Raiders have had every horrible thing happen to them a franchise could have happen, and they just hang in there.  Now they are at home, getting points, playing a Kansas City team that wasn't exactly "lights out" against a Packers team playing with a guy off the street at QB.  The Raiders can get pressure with their front, so they will play that two safety deep set that shuts off Hill.  With Vegas you get the better team, points, and fade a public that hasn't abandoned what Kansas City was and accepted what Kansas City is.  Vegas +2.5

Season Record:  11-18

Nurse the Hate: Restaurant Etiquette and NFL Week 9

 

Restaurants have been going though a very difficult period.  Forced closures or being limited to takeout service crushed operators that in many cases are clinging to month-to-month house of cards economic models.  This led to a complete shakeup of their workforce as people were forced (or enlightened) to take jobs in other business categories.  Now, shorthanded, they are trying their best to get back on their feet.  Service has become shaky, food can be uneven, and prices are high due to supply chain issues.  Yet, the worst part of any restaurant experience is without question limited to one main factor.  The other patrons.

Twice this week I have been eating the type of meal that can be best described as "refueling".  My expectations on the cuisine was low.  I was basically ordering "food pellets".  The first time I was seated next to a couple of women that can best be described as "stupid fucking hillbillies".  I know that sounds like a harsh description, but it is accurate.  I was eating by myself, and doing my best to ignore their conversation which was somewhere between "inane" and "stunted".  That's not their fault.  They are certainly welcome to come to any restaurant and talk about hillbilly shit while they waited to tuck into their food pellets.  It was when one of the women answered her phone and put it on speaker to allow a third hillbilly to broadcast to the entire restaurant that put it over the top.  

I am trying to figure out if the pandemic has increased people's idea that the entire world is a TV show where they are the primary character and everyone else is an extra.  There is a large chunk of the population that gives zero fucks about anyone else.  It never occurred to the two hillbilly women that perhaps everyone in a 50 foot radius might not want to listen to shaky audio of a recap of hillbilly #3's trip to Auto Zone.  I wished I had brought the band's practice PA in my car so I could have set it up in my booth and started playing a Butthole Surfers record pointed at the hillbillies.  "Oh, I'm sorry... You didn't want to listen to "Locust Abortion Technician" while you tucked into your pancakes?"

I paid my check and left without saying anything.  Not more than two days later I'm in a similar situation where two old men and one old woman shared a table.  The one guy's ringer on his phone went off at a volume equivalent to a car alarm.  He immediately put it on speaker and did that thing that senior citizens love, to yell into the phone to compensate for the distance of the caller.  I believe the logic goes "my son is in Florida, so as he is so far away, it is necessary that I speak 75% louder than I would if he were in Mayfield Hts where he normally calls me".  I was then treated to a 20 minute phone call that I can condense for you here.  

"HOW IS YOUR VACATION GOING SO FAR?  HOW IS THE WEATHER?  WHAT?  YOU'RE GOING TO PUT MY GRANDSON ON THE PHONE?   BILLY?  BILLY?  ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD VACATION?  WHAT?  YOU ARE?  OHHHH...  THAT'S GOOD.  HERE...  I'M GOING TO PASS THE PHONE TO UNCLE TED."  This repeated three times as the phone was passed around to each member of the table at a volume similar to a Candy Snatchers show in 1999.

At the end of the call, it dawned on the man that was facing me that perhaps they had been rude to everyone else in the restaurant.  This might have dawned on him because I was glaring at him like he had taken a shit on my bedroom floor.  It's hard to say really.  However, he then offered up a "Sorry.  We might have been a bit loud."  Now, the social contract we are all working under suggests that I needed to respond "Oh, that's OK. You were talking to your grandson.  Don't want to miss that call!".  That was not what I did.  My mood was impacted from a direct carry over from the two stupid fucking hillbillies earlier in the week.  I broke the social contract.  I said "Oh, that's OK.  It gave me a chance to eat dinner with your super interesting family, which is exactly what I was hoping to do tonight."  Afterwards I stared at him without any emotion.  I don't know if he picked up on the idea that the entire world was not his and we were all just decorations in it or not.  He's probably yelling into a speaker phone right now at a Shoney's.  This is just the world we live in now.  

I feel that we have turned the corner from "No one cares about anyone but themselves" to "No one even pretends to care about anyone but themselves.", which is in some ways refreshingly open.  This, in turn, allows others to openly call people out when they are acting like selfish assholes.  It's an evolution of society.  It is to be expected for things to evolve, but not everything at once.  I find comfort in holding onto things that are constant, like the feel of a warm autumn sun on your face as golden leaves crunch underfoot.  There is comfort in knowing that certain things can be counted on like the change of seasons, or Sam Darnold being terrible.

After the Carolina Panthers surged out to a 3-0 start, it appeared that Sam Darnold turned the corner with the fresh start of his new team.  All that was required was a little patience as Darnold has regressed back to the Sam Darnold we have always known.  This week the fading Panthers take on the Patriots, a team Sam last saw famously when he remarked "I'm seeing ghosts" when the Jets were pummeled by the Patriots shifting defensive schemes.  Now Darnold is coming off concussion protocol with a bum shoulder to face the same team that rendered him helpless.  Yes, I do believe I like New England -3.5 today.

I am going to submit to the idea that the Ravens are the second best team in the AFC.  Kansas City looks lost, the Browns look average at best, San Diego is "eh", and I don't buy in on Cincinnati.  That means the second best team in the AFC is coming off a bye to host a struggling Viking team and is only giving six.  If you take out 2.5 for Baltimore's home field advantage, this line says that on a neutral field that the second best team in the AFC is only 3.5 points better than the 3-4 Vikings?  Oh, and the Vikings have three players out on Covid?  I like Baltimore to do one of those "kick the crap out of the second rate team" beatings and easily cover a one score spread.  Baltimore -6

Season Record:  10-17