Nurse the Hate: Yes, That's Johnny Depp and NFL Week 8

I have a long artistic distrust of Johnny Depp.  He had stopped being an actor doing films for creative merit decades ago.  His last good movie is arguably “Blow” in 2001.  Don’t even try to justify those shitty Pirate movies where Johnny swiped Keith Richards 1990s identity and then pretended to be Keith with an eye patch.  Those movies are awful and are produced to make money off the large swaths of people on the planet with the intellect of barnyard animals.  Just because something makes a ton of money doesn’t mean it is “successful”, unless your definition of success is strictly financial.  If that is the case, then Olive Garden, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Bang energy drink, and Alex Jones are “successful”, which is likely the only time these four things have been linked together.  

When Johnny Depp became stupid famous along that Tom Cruise level, he did what all people that hit that level of fame seem to do, he went crazy.  Johnny Depp has spent the most of the last 25 years trying to ingratiate himself with all the posters he must have had up in his 17 year old boy room.  Hunter S Thompson, Keith Richards and Marilyn Manson immediately come to mind.  Johnny would burrow in there, and in no time at all start to dress and talk like his new best friends.  There was this woman I knew who would change overnight based on who she was hanging around.  For example, if she was dating some guy that was into golf, overnight she was 110% about golf.  You’d never heard her mention golf once, and then two weeks later we all had to pretend she’s always worn clothes with a Taylor logo on them and always been totally focused on who was going to win the British Open.  A month later she’d be with a new guy and suddenly only cared about organic raw food or whatever the fuck thing that dude was into.  That’s Johnny.       

Johnny's ultimate crush is Keith Richards.  Like anyone that wanders into Keith Richards orbit, Johnny got damaged.  Keith was a white hot sun of destruction in the 1960s-80 that destroyed anyone that tried to live like he did.  Gram Parsons, I’m thinking about you here.  Though the temperature of Keith’s destructive power faded with age into something along “bad influence” like a college dorm neighbor that smoked tons of weed and skipped class, Johnny bought into the myth.  Johnny somehow decided that since he pretended to be Keith in a pirate costume, and even got Keith a part so they could play dress-up together on one of those shitty movies, he and Keith were The Same.  Johnny moved his look into that of “1970s rock gypsy”, somehow not noticing how out of style that was in the new millennium.  Like a 20 year old, he bought into the rock and roll myth hook, line and sinker.  Johnny started to awkwardly play guitar with a 1970s focused record collection of ex-legends.  He formed the “supergroup” with Joe Perry and Alice Cooper called the Hollywood Vampires, a bunch of guys playing workhorse rock standard cover tunes in a more upscale version of a band you’d see on a weekend at a sports bar.  I have my suspicions that Hollywood Vampires is like a travel baseball team where the shitty kid they made play second base had a Dad that bought the team uniforms.  In this case, Johnny is the shitty kid playing second base AND the rich Dad. 

Now I don’t have any problem with Johnny Depp dressing like Steven Tyler or knocking out covers of “Baba O’Riley” with a bunch of 70 year old rock dudes.  That’s probably a lot of fun.  The interesting thing is that Johnny appears to think that he’s BECOME one of these classic rock guys.  He’s now out on tour with always cranky Jeff Beck after recording a record.  How much money did Jeff Beck shake out of Depp to play on that?  I saw what can only be described as a disturbing interview with Beck/Depp as Depp played the part of “slightly hungover rock guy pseudo-covertly sipping whiskey from a plastic cup while trying to make his guitar party rock record sound deep and important”.  Depp seems to be the only one unaware that Jeff Beck is doing this for a paycheck and possible PR boost out of the oldies circuit.  More importantly, Johnny Depp doesn’t seem to know that he’s not a rock star.  He's a fella in a Sylvain Sylvain costume with a bunch of odd plastic surgery.

I don’t get it.  The guy is/was one of the biggest movie stars on the planet.  Let’s compare Johnny to a similar guy from Johnny’s preferred Baby Boom Generation, Jack Nicholson.  Jack Nicholson knew how to handle fame.  Jack would go to the parties, hang out with rock guys, and then leave because HE WAS JACK NICHOLSON.  Jack knew that he sucked the air out of every room, and he was a movie star, the biggest level of fame possible.  You ever see Jack sitting around strumming an acoustic with Steven Stills, the 1910 Fruitgum Company and Donovan?  No way.  Johnny meanwhile is like Vanilla Ice trying to pretend he’s something he’s not.  What the fuck man?  Let’s make a deal.  Jeff Beck, single named Beck, and even I will stay out of Pirate Movies.  Johnny Depp is not allowed to pretend to be Keith Richards unless he spends three years minimum playing tiny clubs in Erie/Youngstown/Akron with songs he wrote.  Everyone needs to stay in their lane.     

Speaking of staying in your lane, let’s talk Zack Wilson from the Jets.  I have Wilson slotted in as maybe not the worst QB in the league, but he certainly can see Baker Mayfield clearly sitting down there at the bottom.  Wilson has, at times, looked competent, which shakes my belief system to its core.  I had wagered on the Jets UNDER win total, and this winning record from New York is unsustainable.  The Jets didn’t suddenly become some sort of buzzsaw.  They’re the Jets.  They are dependably bad, like the Browns and Lions.  And now they face the Patriots after an embarrassing public MNF loss to the Bears.  The Patriots after a double digit loss are something like 73% ATS, and while no one will confuse the current roster as any of the dynasty teams from the past, I like the odds of The Hoodie getting back to kicking the shit out of the Jets, something he has done over his career with workmanlike precision.  New England -2.5

I am going to the well with Carolina again.  I am concerned that last week’s win over Tampa might have been the “rally around the flagpole” effort teams that fly the white flag often make after a coach firing.  However, and this is very odd to type this out, I think PJ Walker is a much better starting QB than Mayfield/Darnold and gives the Panthers a legit chance in this game.  There are many players in pro sports that just languish hoping for a chance.  How fortunate can you be to find yourself the third QB in a locker room with Sam Darnold and Baker Mayfield?  Walker must have been in training camp thinking, “I’m going to play because even if these clowns don’t get hurt, they suck so bad, they’ll HAVE to put me in there.”

I think Atlanta’s “run first/run second/don’t let Mariota pass it” offense has run its course of effectiveness.  The League is cruel.  It figures out how to beat you, and then everyone copies it once the blueprint is out  until you adjust back.  The problem is that Atlanta can’t adjust.  This is it.  They’re running the ball and hope they don’t fall behind.  Atlanta covered their first six games, an insane run.  I believe we will see what is referred to as “a market correction” this week.  Carolina +4.

Cincinnati seems to have come to their senses and stopped trying to be a run-first team.  They are throwing the ball and daring teams to stop them.  The Browns can’t stop anyone.  The Browns have the vibe of a team circling the drain.  Here’s a couple scenarios for you…. Browns fall behind 14-0 after Cincy connects on two long pass plays like the Browns have given up all year.  How do the Browns come back from that?  They cannot play from behind.  Scenario 2.  The Browns slow the game down by running 65% of the time and control the clock.  They’re up by three.  Bengals get the ball back with two minutes left.  Who wins that game?  Yeah, I’m with you.  A bunch of sad sack Browns fans will trudge across the modern "Bridge of Sighs" on West 3rd St with their dreams crushed.  Again.  Cincinnati -3.        

Current record:  12-9

Nurse the Hate: Junior Varsity Football and NFL Week 7

It was one of those crisp autumn mornings where the leaves were at their most brilliant, the colors almost buzzing off the trees.  It’s the time of year where the vibrant oranges, reds and yellows contrast against the more stubborn trees still holding onto their green.  The school bus pulled up in front of the foreign high school and a pack of cheerleaders came out.  Even at a glance, the social pecking order was easy to understand, the most popular girls confidently walking towards the football field entrance.  The concept of cheerleaders is amazingly throwback, to a time when women could only offer support to men participating in sports instead of participating themselves.   Maybe the concept of cheerleaders today is focused on affirming the power dynamics of the high school.  Frankly, I have no idea.  One of the girls switched on a little self-contained amp/speaker and a terrible pop hit came blaring out.  The cheerleaders closed ranks and walked in as a pack, a combination of nervous energy, projected confidence and jittery social anxiety.  It was, by all accounts, a great morning for JV Football.  

The teams were both out on the field warming up.  A very small group of parents and relatives began to assemble in the stands.  A large pickup truck aggressively pulled into the lot and three older boys popped out and slowly walked towards the stands projecting the practiced indifference that their exalted status as senior football starters allowed.  Like NBA stars attending a college game, they mirrored the slow walk in that told everyone “we are here to offer support because we are good guys, but don’t be confused and think we give a fuck about who wins.”  The varsity having played and won the night before, these boys were still taking their victory lap.  They don’t know it yet, but they might never have that type of self-perceived status again.  To further confirm the junior varsity position as second class citizens, they play their games early on Saturday mornings with sparse crowds to hammer in the distance between them and the glory of the Friday Night Lights.  

13 visiting fans flecked the four sections of stands on the opposition side.  The home team side began to grow to about 30 in the much larger and nicer home stands.  In a true questionable division of education resources, the football stadium was nicer than many small college stadiums.  This is where the Midwest starts however, and football matters.  The boys on the field ran drills.  The cheerleaders huddled in a pack.  The Moms in their supportive team color sweatshirts readied up the snack bar.  That was when the sound system came on.  Slash’s guitar riff is unmistakable and now part of every American sporting event.  “Welcome To The Jungle” kicked in to let those sons of bitches from the other school know that THIS was THE JUNGLE.  Yes, the 28 people that had gathered to watch their kids or grandkids play a football game versus some other local boys would make this so inhospitable that all of their efforts would be futile.  “DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?  YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE!”  I laughed out loud.

I guess you can’t play “Girl From Ipanema” or a Guided By Voices song as the community football stadium mood music but if anyone would have put even a small thought into it, maybe sway off “Welcome To The Jungle”.  Besides being a horrible cliche, it’s also does the exact opposite of the intent, where it points out how friendly and nice the situation was for all concerned.  I mean, if I were to set up camp and start screaming horrible profanities at the visiting 15 year old boy football players, this really would be been a variation of “The Jungle”, but I think I can say with great confidence that no one wanted that.  An angry middle aged man losing his shit while sitting alone at a junior varsity football game is probably a home field advantage of some kind, but the Mom or Dad that assembled the stadium playlist sure wouldn’t want the reality of making the stadium inhospitable.  

You know another place where they should never play “Welcome To The Jungle”?  Jacksonville.  The people of Jacksonville are only mildly interested in their team, which is understandable as their team has been awful for years.  I have visited Jacksonville.  It is Toledo on the ocean.  I vividly recall drug addict crackers hanging out at the beach, four wheel trucks with American flags flying off the tailgate like Redneck Al-Qaeda, and a sad Hooters location by a tax driven “Harbor Experience” that had no soul whatsoever.  Jacksonville is the worst.  When I saw that the sad ass Jaguars were giving three points to the Giants, I couldn’t bet on the Giants fast enough.  With the exception of dominating the Colts once and beating the savagely injured Chargers, the Jags lost to the Commanders, Texans and Colts.  Why are they favored to beat anyone?  They’ve lost their last 3, and are heading to London next week.  This is an ideal flat spot for a shit team.  New York Giants +3.

As you may know, I am very much in favor of the “buy low” strategy on these NFL teams.  Gamblers suffer from recency bias.  Whatever happened last week will happen again.  Except when it doesn’t.  There is no team as low as the Carolina Panthers.  The coach got fired.  They traded their one star.  Their QB completed 11 passes last week, 10 of which were less than one yard completions.  If I were a real man, I’d bet on the Panthers +13 over Tampa.  I don’t have that kind of courage though, so I am going to take a couple other “buy low teams”.  I’m on the Browns +6.5 against Baltimore.  Look, the Browns looked terrible last week.  Then again, it’s because the Browns got outsmarted by The Hoodie.  That’s what he does.  The Browns are an OK team.  They’re not really good, but they’re not really bad.  I can’t justify why Baltimore, a team that loves to give games away late, is going to win by 7.  They have only covered one game by more than 6 points.  These divisional games are normally close in the NFL.  The Browns know Lamar and how to limit him.  I’m not saying they can, but at least they know what to expect.  Cleveland +6.5

I heard rumblings Russell Wilson was going to be out this week.  That could be good news for the Broncos because he’s been awful.  Brett Rypien gets the start for Denver.  He beat the Jets in 2021, which seems like good news for Denver, but Denver’s offense being terrible isn’t all on Wilson.  I saw Denver was -1 a couple days ago, so I jumped on the Jets +7 teasing it with New England -2 against an awful Bears team.  I am hoping that the reputation of Wilson and lack thereof of Rypien moves the line to Denver +2 so I can then tease Denver +8/NE -2 and middle the damn thing.  Stay tuned on that.

Season record:  10-9  

 

Nurse the Hate: Columbus Club Fiascos and NFL Week 6

 

We are playing a couple of shows with Hillbilly Casino this week.  Wednesday night we are at the Beachland and Thursday night at Rumba Cafe in Columbus.  There are very few cities in which the band (or bands in this case) have played more venues than Columbus OH.  In the Early Days Of Bitter Struggle of The Cowslingers, which has since yielded to The Later Days of Bitter Struggle of the Whiskey Daredevils, we found ourselves booked into all sorts of weird spots.  The goal was always to play Stache's, the 1990s gold standard of Columbus indie rock venues.  That was the sister venue to The Grog Shop in many respects, the place where the most currently active bands in your record collection would likely play a show.  That moved down to the next level, Bernie's, aka The Distillery, still in my mind the worst men's room in rock n roll at the end of their admirable run as a bagel sandwich/rock club/filthy basement.  Bernie's featured nowhere to park, nowhere to safely unload, flights of stairs to carry the gear and then a dodgy sound system once you finally played.  It was though, a reliable place to play. 

After Stache's closed or re-opened as Little Brothers, and Bernie's died its slow painful death. the Columbus club scene fractured into an unpredictable Balkans States of venues which would fall in and out of favor with rapid speed.  We had played shows at a variety of these locations to varying degrees of success and/or disaster over the years.  There was a basement show in a slick Short North eatery with the World Famous Blue Jays that had a local bluegrass opener with a singer that was violently opposed to what The Cowslingers were doing and wrote terrible things about us in some local magazine.  I think he reviewed his own show.  Is that even allowed?  The review was along the lines of "We played and were pretty awesome, and then this piece of shit band from Cleveland ruined everything because they suck and fuck those guys cause they're a bunch of dicks, and then the Blue Jays played and I love those guys."  Now it was possible that we sucked that night, and it was also possible that we got all loaded up on comp beer and were a bunch of dicks too, but I wish I remembered that venue because we never went back again.

We played a place called Freaky's Pizza where I swear to God, Eric Davidson from the New Bomb Turks was the only person in the crowd.  There was a shitty place by what we refer to as "The Columbus Chicken District" that has all those fried chicken joints in a row right off 71 by the Rumba where Gary's amp was so loud a guy told me "that was the loudest show I've heard since Mastodon", who I have never seen live, but if the band is called "Mastodon" it can be surmised that they are not a folk duo.  I think we played Woodlands but I get that confused with The Thirsty Ear.  We had a great show in a place called something like King Ave Five (?) with Driftmouth followed by a horrible show there with Left Lane Cruiser and Driftmouth.  What was the venue attached to Hound Dog's Pizza?  I liked that place.  We played Skully's to varying degrees of success.  Ace of Cups is a cool place, but I think we aged out of there and don't wear enough ironic Carhartt skully caps to fit in.  Andyman's Treehouse was always fun despite arguably the worst sound system in the modern age.  Our practice PA was better.  I bought one of the most comfortable t-shirts I own there from a band called the Rye Notes who I have no musical memory of whatsoever.  I wear the shirt all the time though.  There was that place where Dime Bag Darryl got shot.  Alrosa Villa?  I can't remember why we played there.  It sucked though.  700 North was a thing for a bit.  I can just keep going...

The venue I really wish I could remember was on Ohio State's campus.  This was a Cowslingers show that I think Sasha booked us into where he somehow shook loose student activity money from the University.  Sasha worked out of Champaign IL and knew the University system very well.  That guy was a hustler in every sense of the word.  These colleges would keep this princely sum of money that they would dole out to bring in whatever the decision maker decided was a cultural event that the Student Body would not only enjoy but take some sort of artistic merit out of.  I can say with great certainty that The Cowslingers neither provided artistic merit or were anything even remotely enjoyable for the Greater Ohio State student body.  The only Ohio State students that ever came to see us wandered in by mistake.  Somehow Sasha got past these obvious shortcomings to qualify us to take a big chunk of money out of that student fund and got us in there on a Thursday night.

The venue was a basement of what seemed to be an old dining hall.  We had trouble finding it and we knew where we were supposed to go.  We could have just as easily set up in a basement of a church.  There was no beer because it was a "university sanctioned event".  I immediately went out to a nearby UDF and got us a couple 12 packs.  There were no posters set up anywhere announcing "Cleveland rock band playing secret basement" so the prospects of success seemed bleak.  I figured we would play to no one.  I can't remember much about the show, but I do remember this.  1. We quickly drank all the beer hoping that if we got drunk we wouldn't notice how awful this show was.  2. Nobody came because no one knew about the show and even if they did they could care less about some sloppy ass country punk band.  3.  We had four friends that came (who I can't recall the identity of now) and we essentially played for them.

We packed up as fast as possible as we were A) out of beer and B) wanted to distance ourselves from the stench of failure that this event wafted in every direction.  We were close enough to some High Street Bars that we could walk, so we left the van by the abandoned campus building and went out in our cowboy outfits. It was then that two legendary Cowslinger events happened.  As we walked a back alley towards High Street, Bobby Latina's cowboy boot heel feel off.  He started hobbling after the rest of us screaming out in a high pitched voice, "MY HEEL!  MY HEEL!  MY FUCKING HEEL!!!".  The rest of us, always empathetic, began doing our own high pitched imitations of The Boy screaming out "MY HEEL!  MY HEEL!  MY FUCKING HEEL!!!".   Meanwhile Bobby gimpily trotted along trying to catch up in his broken cowboy boot holding his fallen heel in his hand.

Why we decided to go to Papa Joe's, I don't recall.  I think it was because it was the exact opposite crowd we normally hung out with and wanted possible confrontation due to the disastrous show.  Papa Joe's was a straight up Frat Boy crowd.  This was the very cliche of an uncool college bar.  Horrible music, draft beer in plastic buckets, and every single guy from everyone's high school that liked to get into fights performing for the hairspray professionally ripped jeans girls that loved them.  In short, these were not "our people".

Bobby must have been around 17-18 years old.  I have no idea how we even got him in that bar.  I probably told them he was my son or something.  "Hello Mr. Doorman.  I am a 29 year old man and I would like to introduce you to my 17 year old son that has no passing resemblance to me.  Now we will be on our way to enjoy the delights of your draft Natural Light beer served in those charming plastic buckets."  Regardless, he got in somehow.  

We couldn't have been in there that long when I noticed Bob out on the dance floor doing "The Move", a signature dance step he picked up somewhere as a joke.  He was in the middle of the dance floor with the cheap light show and weak fog in his broken cowboy boot smiling ear to ear.  He wasn't really dancing with anyone but sort of with everyone, which was funny enough.  But what really got me laughing to tears was that he had taken his scrotum out of his jeans, or "hanging brain" as it is known in some circles, and was smiling like nothing was going on.  It wasn't for five seconds or so.  It was a full song or more as these college frat party dopes concentrated on their horrible wedding reception dancing as the little deviant cowboy did his thing.  There is something memorable to seeing 70 people dancing, oblivious to a little cowboy and his scrotum doing "The Move" in the middle of it all.

That's the way it goes.  You have to make the best out of a bad situation.  That's what I think the sad sack Carolina Panthers are going to do today.  Let's not mince words.  The Carolina Panthers are bad.  The coach got fired because of two mistakes he made.  1. He wasn't good at being a football coach and the NFL is a tough place to be if you are bad at that.  2.  He tied his wagon to Baker Mayfield to win some games, and that is not going to work.  A year ago Baker was being discussed as turning down a $35M a year/5 year deal to be the Browns franchise QB.  Now he will likely never be a starting QB again and will need to completely change his reputation to become a quiet backup in the mold of Colt McCoy.  Damn.  In retrospect, he maybe should have signed that extension, but what's $175M anyway?  I'm sure he got a degree at Oklahoma that will lead to equally lucrative compensation.

I am banking on that boost a team gets when they boot the old coach and get a QB on offense that has at least a prayer at getting the receivers the ball in stride.  Yet, I'm also betting AGAINST the Rams.  The Rams look really shitty right now.  Their offensive line is terrible, Stafford looks wrong, and they have zero running game.  When two teams have trouble scoring, I will take the team getting ten points.  I could look like an idiot on this game when Carolina loses 35-6, but I am banking on that first week wake up call when an organization is on fire.  Carolina +10.

Along my consistent strategy in the NFL of "buy low/sell high", I'm on Pittsburgh.  Sure, they looked awful last week, but everyone looks awful against Buffalo right now.  Once again, Pittsburgh is not very good. They can't move the ball.  Quarterback play has been "underwhelming" at best.  The trademark tough defense looks soft.  Their only win was due to five (5) Bengal turnovers, and even then, it went to OT.  This is exactly how the NFL gets you.  Just when you think a team is non-competitive, they somehow play well against superior competition.  Tampa is an ideal opponent in this regard.  The Public still think the Bucs are the 2020 Bucs.  Instead, the 2022 Bucs are the "can't score much but we have a good run defense" team where Brady appears mortal.  I'm not looking for a win here, but more of a "just hang around" type game from Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh +9.5

The Patriots aren't very good.  They are part of that mix of Vikings are the Patriots are the Saints are the Bengals are the Browns are the Colts are the Broncos are the Cardinals etc.  They go to Cleveland this week to play a Browns team that, on paper, is a much better team.  My concern for the Browns is that Belichick will somehow come up with a gameplan to make third string backup Bailey Zappe look at least competent and attack the middle of the Browns defense in ways the 30th ranked Browns can't stop.  The Browns can do one thing which is run the football.  Hoodie is great at taking away the one thing you do well and forcing teams to beat him another way.  In a battle of wits, who do you want to support?  Stefanski and Company or Bill Belichick?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Patriots +2.5.

Current Record:  8-8       

           

  

Nurse the Hate: My KFC Policy and NFL Week 5

 

Not too far from my house there is a KFC location.  This is a sentence I'm sure you could type as well as there is likely a KFC location within 5 miles of every American citizen.  This is one of those restaurants that has ceased being anything at all as I drive by it so frequently and never go in that it is part of the background.  It's sort of like a nail salon in that respect.  I theoretically know it exists, but as I would never have reason to walk inside, it could be a two dimensional movie set and I would never know the difference.  

Clearly many people must walk into KFCs as they propagate like mushrooms, but I personally don't eat there.  It's not any sort of elitist foodie stance or consumer vendetta.  I just have a personal policy.  I believe that KFC food is a lot like drinking ouzo.  It might taste pretty good going down, but within a very short window of time, you will be filled with regret and shame.  A KFC meal box might be quite tasty, but in my experience it will only lead to a DefCon4 gastrointestinal crisis.  Thus, I blankly drive past KFC locations knowing that the only thing waiting for me inside is a laxative flavored with The Colonel's Secret Blend Of Eleven Herbs and Spices.  

The last time I can recall eating at a KFC was when the Whiskey Daredevils stopped at a KFC in a bleak part of Indiana on a Sunday while driving home from a gig in Illinois.  We had opened up for Jon Spencer's band Heavy Trash at the Cowboy Monkey in Champaign IL.  The upside for being an opening band is that you play a 45 minute set and then can hang out watching the headliner while knocking back as many comp beers as you decide is a good idea.   This particular night I think we had been given Pabst.  Our nation was going through that period of time where everyone in the garage rock scene ironically drank Pabst while trying to convince each other that it was an acceptable beer.  Pabst, being cheap, was a gift to club promoters who could then save a few bucks giving bands second rate cheap beer while masquerading as being in solidarity with the garage rock community.  It was a dark time in our nation's history.

This scenario is a perfect storm for Leo.  There is unlimited cold beer in a dressing room.  We were in a town where we had a zillion friends.  This meant he could go full-on "party", hold court in the dressing room and really get after it.  Let me confirm with you dear reader that he did.  I know this because the next day he was sprawled out on the second bench seat, a victim of a Pabst/Marijuana Personal "Shock and Awe" tour that he had undertaken.  Indiana's slogan is "wander" but we have usually had the policy of "drive through it as fast as possible because there is nowhere to stop and eat".  For whatever reason, the other three of us decided to stop and get something to eat at anything we deemed mildly acceptable.  I think it was Gary that made the pitch for KFC, which in itself was odd as most of his communication was limited to grunts.  Leo woke up long enough to confirm he wanted something to eat, but was in no condition to actually stand up and walk into any restaurant.  This is when a large tactical error was made on his part.

Leo decided that whatever shitty fast food restaurant we stopped at that we should order him "a number 3 with a Coke".  Krusty and I walked into the KFC and looked up at the menu board.  I shit you not, a #3 meal at this Indiana KFC was a "livers and gizzards platter".  I was stunned.  People came in and ate that in Indiana?  By choice?  I recall saying to Krusty, "Oh my God...  Look at what #3 is!  Should we get him something else?" to which point Krusty replied, "Well, he did say to order him a #3 with a Coke.".  Thus, being men that followed the requests of our fellow bandmates, we ordered the very hungover man a livers and gizzards platter to help settle his stomach.  

I wouldn't say that Leo was disappointed at the meal he was delivered.  He was certainly a little surprised.  I think he said something like "Oh my God... Oh my God.. OK... I can do this.".  This is generally not something you want to have to say before preparing to dine, but these were hard times.  A man had to make do with what he had out on the Indiana plain.  He did manage to shovel down the food with an occasional complaint of the taste of iron and then immediately passed out.  With luck, he would sleep it all off and wake up somewhere near Mansfield.

It was about 45 minutes later when I heard him rustling around behind me as I drove.  "Do you guys have a plastic bag?  I think I have to get rid of these gizzards."  In this case "get rid of" meant "barf up".  Like the moments of panic when you hear your dog getting ready to barf on the carpet, I pulled the van off at the next exit.  It was a place called "Gas Station".  What are the odds that "Gas Station's" men's rooms were closed for construction?  I saw Leo make a panicked trot-run to the two blue plastic outhouses set up beside the cinder block building and duck inside.  He was in there for an extended period of time.  Leo finally came out of the portajohn and looked like one of those dazed victims you see emerge from the rubble of a building collapse.     

"It was bad in there.  Real bad.  I built a little nest to sit there and shit.  There was brown water on the floor.  After I shit I had to barf.  I was gagging.  I kept barfing until there was only foam coming out."

That's what I think of when I think of KFC.  I can tell you that with my marketing background, one of the  things that the good people at Yum Brands, parent company of KFC, Taco Bell and other culinary delights, do not want to use on their sell line of advertising is the phrase "Keep barfing until only foam comes out".   While this might be accurate (and I'm looking at you Cool Ranch Dorito Crunch Wrap) it certainly is not going to "generate and sustain quarterly growth".  Though it is not KFC's fault directly, because of this incident I think they lost my business for the forseeable future.  Really, Pabst should be the ones held accountable or more likely the operators of "Gas Station" but that's not how it shook out.

Now I'm telling you all of this because while sitting at a red light I noticed that the KFC near my house had closed.  The signs were down and a half assed white wash had been done to the building to try and make passersby forget that The Colonel had been forced to leave the community in shame.  I don't know if it was because word of the Livers and Gizzards fiasco and "barfing until foam came out" had destroyed their business, or maybe it was just that consumer tastes had changed.  It's hard to say, but for The Colonel in this neck of the woods, it was over.  Perhaps the location will become a Starbucks.  It's a brutal business.  Next man up.

Speaking of a brutal business and next man up, I think we all saw what happened to Miami Dolphin QB Tua last Thursday night.  It's not often you see a man die on national TV, but thanks to the callous handling of Tua's injury a few days before by the Miami Dolphins, the guy suffered the biggest brain injury you'll probably ever witness.  If I were Tua, I'd take whatever money I've made playing football and leave while you can.  Getting your knee fucked up playing football is one thing, but your brain?  Damn.  Get out of there kid.  Regardless of whatever Tua does, Teddy Bridgewater is going to start on Sunday for the Dolphins against the Jets.

It is always sound financial advice to invest in the Jets losing.  A few weeks ago the speculation around the league was that Tua probably wasn't going to be a franchise QB.  Then his stats blew up, and suddenly Tua was The Man.  Look a little closer.  Tua still wasn't throwing downfield.  He was dropping off dump passes and his insanely fast receivers were tacking on massive yards after catch.  You know who can dump the ball off on short passes really well?  Teddy.  I think an argument could be made that Teddy is a better QB than Tua anyway, but the Dolphins didn't draft Teddy #1, they drafted Tua.  Yet, the line moved a point towards the Jets when Tua was out?  The Jets, despite a bewildering 15 minutes of strong play from Wilson last week, stink.  The Dolphins had a horrible short week after a war with the Bills, and now the narrative of them being unbeatable has cooled off considerably.  I think they right the ship on Sunday and take care of the Jets.  Miami -3.5

I can't believe I am about to type this out, but Geno Smith has been playing well.  Seattle was supposed to be awful, but instead they've been one of those teams in the middle of the pack.  They aren't going to win the NFC West, but they're going to stay in games.  Meanwhile, New Orleans is injury riddled and underperforming expectation.  There was a narrative out there that New Orleans might win the South as the season started.  I've seen this team play twice.  They aren't winning anything.  Winston, Kamara, Thomas are all out.  That means Andy Dalton will guide the Saints capably between the 20s and not be able to score touchdowns in the Red Zone.  Give me the points in a game that I have no intention of watching.  Seattle +5.5

I have no idea what is going on in Cincinnati.  The offensive line that was so triumphantly upgraded can't block anybody.  Burrow has been playing very mediocre football.  The Bengals look sloppy.  They are somehow 2-2 but have played Pittsburgh with MVP Mitch (loss), Dallas where Dak got hurt (loss), beat the Jets, and beat Miami on a short week after that Buffalo game.  That's not very impressive.  Now they play Lamar on the road.  For the Bengals to win, they are going to have to score a lot of points.  Baltimore has the worst pass defense in the league, so Burrow has to revert back to 2021 Burrow if they're going to win.  I don't know what to make of that Bengals team.  Something is wrong there.  At this point, give me a Baltimore team that is just a few plays away from being 4-0.  I think they find a way after a tough loss last week.  Baltimore -3.5   

 

Season Record:  8-5

Nurse the Hate: King Khan and NFL Week 4

 

I was very excited that I got the chance to see King Khan and BBQ Show play after years of listening to their records.  To those of you that are uninitiated, the duo plays a sort of punked up version of early 1960s AM Radio pop.  It's all the glorious hooks of chart hits from a bygone era mashed through the meat grinder of distorted guitar and minimalist rhythm.  To me they remind me of bands from the Crypt Records label in the mid-1990s, an odd time when a bunch of musical misfits from around the globe all came together with their own fucked up ideas of taking retro rock and roll and updating it with primitive means.  It's my personal favorite era of music within the micro subgenere where the Whiskey Daredevils dwell.  2022 King Khan would be great on a bill with 1996 Thee Headcoats and 2006 Reigning Sound.  Can we make that happen? 

I really feel like I haven't been able to get back on track with seeing music since the pandemic.  That pandemic time-out allowed me to get soft and drift into the "sit-on-the-couch-Netflix-it's-sorta-late-maybe-I'll-stay-in" world of the rest of the planet.  Whenever  go see a band play where I have forced myself out the door to go to the gig, I am always glad I did.  I can't ever recall going to see someone play and think "I should have gone to bed early".  Sitting in front of a video screen isn't living.  I refuse to be defined by what video selection I made on my streaming service.  It sure is easy though.  It was with this mindset that I decided to see King Khan on a Tuesday night after band practice.

I was concerned about the timing of the show.  We wrapped practice up around 10p.  It would take me about 30 minutes to get to the Beachland from the practice space, so I would definitely miss part of the set.  The bill was a DJ, an opener, and the headliner with an 8p start time.  I'm thinking DJ until 830p.  The opener goes 830-915p.  Headliner plays 945-11p.  If I get there at 10:30 or so, I'll see the last 30 minutes of the set.  It's not ideal, but the gig is sort of on my way home.  I mentally commit and head towards the Beachland.

I felt like it was a good sign when I was able to secure the parking space directly in front of the club.  I roared up and sauntered in to see what the situation was with the show.  I found that the pandemic has also shaken up the employment ranks of all the clubs.  I reliably knew all the door people at the clubs where shows went off that I was interested in.  Now I don't know anyone as all the old help had a time out to think "What am I doing with my life?" and have since taken up jobs that offered a semblance of normalcy.  For example, at the Beachland I would know that I could ask Michael about the timing of the show and he'd shoot me straight.  "Hey man, they went on like an hour ago.  If you want to catch the last 15 minutes I'll stamp you in."  The expectation would be set.  I would get in for free with the unspoken understanding that I'd buy a drink or two and maybe some band merch.  This time the door man, or "door kid" in this case, was a stranger to me.  I could hear the band playing behind the doors.

"Hey, how long ago did these guys start?"  The guy working the door clearly wasn't paying attention.  "Oh, they just started."  I knew this was an example of someone telling me what they needed to so as to move the transaction along.  I said, "Look, I'm not going to pay you $20 and then walk in and hear them play their last note and say "Good Night Cleveland!", am I?'.  He was adamant.  No!  It was 10:35p.  There was no way they just went on, but I decided to take the door guy at his word.  All the other Beachland folks have always been great to me, so there was no reason to think this young man would be any different.  I gave him a $20 and went inside.

The room was fairly full, and the band was on some extended sloppy ass jam.  They sounded good, and I went to the bar to get a beer to take in the gig.  I got a pils, tipped the bar, and walked out to the ballroom just in time to hear a kill note.  "Thanks a lot everyone!  Good night!"  Motherfucker.  I had literally taken two steps into the ballroom.  I hadn't even seen the guys on stage playing their instruments.  I did get a one (1) song encore.  That was good.  Then it was over.  Technically I have now seen King Khan and Bar-b-que Show.  I'm still glad I went, though I will admit I did say to door boy on the way out, "You really fucked me on that one!  I'm not demanding my money back, but YOU OWE ME!".  

That's the way things go sometimes.  Sometimes you need to have some kharmic payback sitting there in the bank, ready to be withdrawn at the right moment.  That's sort of the way I feel about Baker Mayfield.  I feel like he "owes me" for his horrendous play in the 2021 season and singlehandedly spiking the Browns postseason dreams into the dirt.  He revealed himself to be unable to perform at the highest level of the NFL last year.  I'm not angry at him for that.  Most people can't play QB in the league.  It's almost impossible, especially when you're a little fella like Baker.  But he did get me to buy in to his ability to be "the guy" in 2020, and then pulled the rug out from me when he got his shoulder torn off and refused to sit out and heal.  Instead his focus was "crush the dreams of the team".  

Well, it's payback time now, and I'm ready for Baker to continue playing poorly this week against the Arizona Cardinals.  Both the Panthers and Cardinals are 1-2.  The Panthers win came courtesy of a 3 turnover differential against New Orleans, who I'd like to point out is playing with a QB with a broken back.  In that game Mayfield threw for 148 yards, 67 of which came in one play.  The Panthers lost to the Giants and Browns, both teams outplayed them.  Meanwhile the Cards lost to the Chiefs and Rams.  OK...  So I get the Cardinals and points playing against Baker Mayfield with a terrible offensive line and no Christian McCaffrey?  Yeah, I'll do that.  Arizona +1.5    

I am a big believer in "buy low/sell high" in the NFL.  After the Colts win over KC last week, the narrative seems to be "well, the Colts are back and it looks like they're going to be OK".  To me it looks like, "Matt Ryan looks awful and they can't get Taylor loose and maybe that coach sucks and lost the team when they bungled the end of 2021".   At the same time, who is less sexy to get behind than the Tennessee Titans?  Tannehill had a horrible playoff game that looks like his legacy performance.  Henry looks slow and almost out of gas.  They lost AJ Brown.  They've got a tackle out.  What's really the difference between these two teams?  Why are the Colts favored over anyone by 3.5 points?  The Colts are last in scoring, yet they're going to go out and handle Tennessee in a divisional game?  I'm taking the points here and hope Tannehill can find a way.  Tennessee +3.5    

The Falcons are 3-0 ATS this year.  That's impressive for a team that is obviously one of the bottom five teams in the league at this moment.  This is a perfect team for the Browns to outmuscle.  Cleveland is going to go in there and hand the ball off 47 times, throw dump passes to control the clock and win a boring football game by one possession.  This is the only formula to win with Jacoby Brissett, and one that can be very successful against bad teams like the Browns have played so far.  This game is going to look like an NFL game from 1967 with both teams grinding it out and hoping to control field position.  My plan is to drink heavily through it and make fun of the TV commercials.  Cleveland -1.5  

Season record:  6-4